Merry Christmas

I know it's been forever. We never ended up moving into the house. It came down to dogs. Long story. I've been ok, just without my computer and things just don't feel like home without my own hard drive. Hehe.

I hope everyone has a very Merry Christmas! And a great Holiday Season.

Stay safe!

I haven't died or anything.

Hi there gang..

Just wanted to let you guys know that I haven't died or anything. I just have no computer. It's a really long story but everything got reformatted off the wrong drive and I lost everything important to me and was devasted for quite sometime about it. Mostly all picutres of the boys. Now the computer won't even run anymore. *sob*

I'm posting with the laptop that seems to intermittantly drop my connection all the time and I'm just really out of it right now and haven't really wanted to be on the net.

Also, we're moving into a house. My SIL is moving to Louisianna and we're moving into her house by the end of the year. It doesn't give me much time to do the things I want to do like painting and packing but at least I have 2.5 months to try and get it all done. We're very excited about this. It's only 5 minutes away from where we live now.

So that's the news. I'm still here just... not.

Miss you guys!

"Spam" Comments

As I said over at SB, If someone is going to send unsolicited comments at least they are nice about it and tell us what a fantastic blog we have. Other than that, this new wave of bombardment from "spam" type comments is annoying the heck out of me.

I wish something could be done about it.

This School Year

Well 3 days into the new school year, the Kidlet brought home a cold. After the first week, the Wee One, the Kidlet and I are all sick with colds.

Exercise is on hold til further notice. Ugh.

Happy Birthday!

Happy Birthday to Miss Behaved!!

I'd sing Happy Birthday to you but you are supposed to be nice to people on their birthday.

Have a great day and here's to the next (hrmmrmhph) years!

I'm psychic

I was washing my face tonight and I was trying to think of what I could update my journal with. I find that some of the journals I love more often than not write in some sort of essay form. Even if it is something that happened during the day, it's like they focus on one thing and why it was funny, good, bad, sad, happy ect.

I find with my journal, you get a quick run by of the day's events, perhaps weeks if it has been a while since I've updated and then a quick promise to write more when I have time, am less tired, when pigs fly, you know, the usual time frame in which I update in.

So back to what I was saying. I was trying to think of what I could write about. I've been tossing a few ideas around. Mostly ideas I've seen on other journals and tossing around the thought, "Do I steal them, or no?" ect. ect.

So, I was washing my face and I thought, "Oh I could write like how much I hate when you are in the bathroom and you just sitting there doing your business when you look over and there's like, this horrific spider next to you! Sometimes in the sink, tub, or on a towel next to your face and sometimes the spider is like speckled and ugly or full bodied and scary or hairy and HELL NO I AIN'T KILLING THAT THING!

So I decided to just make a random comment about that, and you know, how I hate when that happens. That was oh, around 1:30 a.m.

Fast forward if you will to just now. I went into the bathroom to tinkle (yes that's what I call it. Leemee alone.) and I looked over and in the tub was an "OH MY GOD HE HEARD ME AND IS NOW STALKING ME!" spider. Granted, he wasn't hairy, ugly, speckled or full bodied. He was more like a midget daddy long legs but still people.... I just had that thought to write that and then he just appears out of no where... coincidence? I think not.

So yeah, that's my update for tonight. I'm psychic. If I get any vibes on winning lottery numbers, I'll be sure to send them... to the 7-11 with the Hunk and a fist full of dollars.

Night gang!

Ebay Gold Star

Well, I've earned my first gold star on ebay!

I've been quite pleased with my ebay experiance now that I'm actually starting to get the stuff I've paid for. It was a bit rough there at first. I seriously considered not ever ebaying again. *gasp* But then I quickly came to my senses. I've found a lot of good deals. Unfortunately, that shipping and handling business is what kills ya.

I'm still going strong with working out. I've completed 3 weeks solid of working out, although I only got 4 days of working out in this last week. I had my dvd/vcr unhooked on monday to move our crappy entertainment center out of the house so I didn't workout. I made up for it Wednesday but then took another unscheduled off on Thursday. I was plain lazy. I just didn't want to change into workout clothes.

I have not seen results so far. Maybe my calf feels a little firmer. I know it's because 1) My eating stinks and 2) I'm about to start my monthly curse. Between those two alone it's very hard to see any results of my efforts. I probably won't if I don't get a hold of my eating. It's not that I'm over eating, I'm just not eating as much during the day (it's easier to eat when the kids aren't around and my food can actually stay hot) and then eating too late at night and going to bed.

I'm also exercising at night. I really enjoy that it is the last thing I do of the day and then I can relax. Sometimes though, I wish I did it in the morning. Usually I wish this about 10 minutes before I have to exercise at night because I wish I would of had it done and over with. Hehe.

On the Hunk's job front- He still loves it. I'm so glad. It's so much better to see him go to work happy and ready and wanting to be there than it was to see him drag his butt to work as if the weight of the world was on his shoulders.

Well I need to get the boys lunch. I'll update more later, hopefully with pics of the new ebay stuff!

Random Question

Does anyone really adopt hiways?

Moving on up....

My mood is moving on up anyway. Let's hope the scale isn't following suit! I completed day 2 of working out this week and I get a night off tomorrow! Woohoo!

I'm trying to do little things in my life that change up my routine and hopefully make me feel better. Even if it takes me until 6 p.m. to do them, I do! I brush my teeth 3 times a day now. I comb my hair everyday. Oh don't act like every single one of you comb your hair everyday. There's some Mom's out there that don't, admit it! I get dressed in real clothes everyday and I put my tennis shoes on everyday now. I make sure that my face is thouroughly cleansed twice a day and I lotion up after my shower which has become nightly.

I realized tonight, after showering that my bathroom sink has begun to look like my mother's. There's day creams, night creams, facial cleansers, cup of make up brushes, q-tips, cotton balls, cotton rounds, make-up, lip balms, deoderant and lotions.

I think that I'm beginning to get to that age that you realize, "Wow, they were right. It is so important to take care of your skin." I never cared before. You wake up, get dressed, comb your hair, brush teeth and out the door. Sure I went through my phases of getting some new promising cleanser but it was just never a habit with me. Now I'm noticing how delicate the skin is under your eye, how my pores are large and unrefined and how quickly blackheads creep up on you. The fact that at my age I'm still getting pimples regularly tells me that maybe it is time to pamper my face too. I've been doing just that since I started working out. I even invested in some new make up. Just normal make up from W@lm@rt. Carrie, I've bought make-up for myself maybe 4 times in my life. I need expert advice!

Well I'm off to bed. Beauty rest is good for the skin too. Night!

Just on the wagon

Just wanted to let you know that this lack of updates is not beause I'm no longer working out or trying to lose weight but just because Tylenol Simply Sleep knocks my butt out! It's nearly 4 a.m. tonight and I didn't take the pills earlier and since it works so well (I'm amazed as it is over the counter and they never work for me) that I'm not going to take it this early in the morning. I'd never get up with the boys!

I did want you guys to know that tonight (Friday) marked start of week 3! I've broke my habit! Usually I could never go more than a week of exercising in the last year and a half but I have worked out 2 full weeks and I'm actually thrilled to be on week 3. I feel like I've done a lot. even though it's just been two. Woo! Go me!

Another thing? Ebay is verra verra evieeeel. They should have a warning somewhere on the website. "Can be habit forming. Hazardous to your bank account. Monitary draining virus found on this site." Or something like that.

But woo, so much fun knowing you have goodies coming in the mail. I think this is how I'm going to do all my christmas shopping this year.

Night!

Second day of my August Challenge

Day two of the challenge and things are ok. I haven't managed to get in my 5 servings of fruit and or veggies but I am going to the store so that shouldn't be a problem for the week. I plan on getting plenty of fixings for salads and veggetable side dishes and fruits.

I haven't wanted to work out (big surprise) but Sarah has been really inspiring. She has no idea. I hope she realizes that all her hard work (despite whatever results they avail to herself) is going to a good cause. Me!

In other news, I miss my husband. I see him 30 minutes a day and for a few hours on Sunday nights. I can't wait until he starts getting two days off in a row again. We all miss him so much.

I think we are going to try and take the Kidlet to see Madagascar today. I hope it pans out!

Night!

First day of my second week.

Well I hope that I'm on the road to breaking the pattern of not working out more than 1-1.5 weeks at a time. Today was the first day of my second week. I did not want to workout tonight. I had last night off and it was so difficult to want to get up, straighten the living room and walk my booty off with Leslie. Her people annoy me. But then again, most people in the background of workout annoy me.

I'm pretty tired so this is going to be short. Maybe I'll update earlier in the day so that I'm not completely brain dead when it comes to trying to think of something to say. We can hope right?

Latah gatah's!

First week down, a million to go...

I completed my first weeks worth of exercise. 5 days of working out in 6 days. I'm pretty proud of myself there. Eating sucked but it could have been worse. I'll concentrate more on eating next week, or well the lack of so much of it. Eating isn't the problem! Portion and quality is.

I don't know if I mentioned here but I got a Brita water dispenser and I'm in heaven at having good tasting water again. I'm leaving none for da fishies. Suffer! My water now...

Nothing of real importance going on this week. Wee One finally cut the fourth tooth on the bottom so he has a total of 8 visible teeth and 1 molar that has just broke through as well. I can't see it but I can feel it. He also has a bad diaper rash and I just feel so aweful when he does. I know his little bum hurts and there's nothing aside from keeping him dry and rash creamed up that I can do.

I guess I could mention my ebay addiction. Well it isn't an addiction as I have ebay'd before and probably will again. It was just, more like a random night of ebay frenzy. I spent too much for one week but the Hunk said that it was cool and if da man says he's cool with it, who am I to argue? No one, that's who! So I have goodies coming to me. Hopefully. I'm so afraid that I'm going to have horrible ebay sellers that forget me or steal my money or not ship the items I want or they come all horribly ruined or nothing like I hope. Does that happen often?

Oh and the Hunk is really enjoying the new job! I don't care for his hours as I feel I have traded my husband for money - ok not entirely a bad thing hee hee! But he's really doing well. He's trying to learn as much as he can, and the co-workers and his supervisors actually want to teach him. He jokingly said something to his boss (who will now be referred to as "Boss Man") about hitting his 45 day probation period to the effect of, "Well do you think I'll be around when my probation ends?" and Boss Man told him, "Oh you aren't going anywhere. You are stuck right here with us." It made him feel great to finally be appreciated and wanted for the employee that he is. I'm just so happy for him.

I'm off to go watch a movie. I love me some Netflix. I send a movie, next day it is there with a new one shipped out that arrives the day after that. Totally fast service. If you don't have Netflix and you love movies, get it!

Ok my little snuggle bunnies, I'm outta here!

For this week

I'm not going to work out tonight. My legs are just too tired and I noticed there was more cramping doing the 2 mile WATP DVD than there had been. So I have 4 days in a row, take tonight off and finish my 5th day tomorrow. Then, July 29th I start the Strive for Five Challenge from The Skinny Bitches website. (I'm too lazy to link right now but you can find the link in my list o' links to the left.)

Not a bad way to end the week. I just wish I could say the same for my eating. Will work on it more tomorrow though.

Night...

I faced my fear

I faced my fear of getting on the scale again. I had a rough guesstimate of what I might weigh and frankly, I really didn't want to know any different. I wanted to just let my clothes tell me how I was doing.

Yeah, pretty much denial people.

I was scared. I didn't want to weigh. Heck who does. I didn't want that little 3 digit number to dictate to me how to feel. Oh sure we can all say that the number doesn't matter, you can change it, your clothes tell you the "real" progress. All of which is very true but sometimes, sometimes, you just have to face that bastard scale and look at just exactly approximately where you are at.

It was a hot summer day... The wind blew through the trees on the quiet street. There was the whistle of a showdown in the air.... I stood on one side of the silent bathroom. The bastard scale loomed on the other....

Ok ok so this isn't an old western but I have to admit there have been times where I have wanted to shoot that damn thing as if it were.

Ok so anyway, I'm getting so off track here. I don't have a working scale (and by not working I mean that this scale loves me. It tells me the weight I want to see and not the weight I really am. Isn't that a nice scale?) so I weigh in at the MIL's house. We went over there after we finished eating. At a restaurant. Why, why, why I chose to do this, I don't know but I knew it was now or never (never really meaning next Sunday when we go back to the MIL's house). I decided that I would automaticallyl take 5 lbs. off because I know from past experiance that you can see a 5 lb. gain on the scale after eating.

So I had this one number in my head and I hoped that I would be no more than 5 lbs over it. In reality I had a feeling I had kicked myself up into the next bracket of 100's. I was prepared (so I thought) for that. Turns out that I was 1 lb. less than what I thought I was. I then took my jeans off. Down 2.5 lbs! -5 lbs. that I said I'd take off anyway and it left me with a number of 9 lbs lighter than I thought I might be in the first place (based on what I weighed at time of surgery). So yeah, I'm happy. I know it isn't an "exact" number but you know what? I don't reallly give a care. It's close and it motivates me at the moment in a happy way so I'm just going to take that.

Anyone who wants to rain on my parade can email: me@Icouldcareless.com, and don't hold your breath for a response. Whatever works to get me motivated in the right direction is right the right thing for me right now. Right? Right.

Well, the Wee One is crying and I haven't even been to sleep yet. Fun, fun.

I'm one crazy girl

I just finished up 3 miles of WATP. The DVD that I have has a 1 mi. and a 2 mi. workout and I did both tonight. Pretty darn good considering I didn't want to do any miles at all.

I've worked out the past 3 nights and I have noticed that I'm not coughing quite as much. For those of you who don't know, I had gall bladder surgery in Dec. in which I developed a respiratory infection in which made me cough and wheeze so hard that I got a hernia in which I had to have surgery for in April. At which time I was still coughing like mad. They put me on advaire and singulaire and right before surgery I'd say my cough was 98% cleared up. The wheeze was gone! Then I had surgery for the hernia and it all came right back. The congested cough, the wheeze only this time it isn't nearly as bad, just... once or twice a day I get into a coughing fit. The doctor already said it wasn't asthma (which runs in my family and I was so worried about) but more allergies. I've noticed since working out though I have had about 2 coughing fits in about 3 days. I hope it clears up all together!

What to tell you? Nothing. Nothing is going on. The hamster is still alive and what I hope is well. I never take her out because being the dwarf hamster that she is, she can run even faster than her fatter, bigger counter parts. With a cat in the house that already eyeballs her cage (and has knocked it down to the floor before aiding in Caylie's escape once) that's just not a good idea. Sometimes we put her in her little dwarf hamster ball (about the size of a softball) and let her run around. Again though, the cat thinks she's a real life toy ball so we have to lock the cat in my room in order to give Caylie some freedom.

The cat has also been eyeballing the fish. Only I could care less if she gets that fugly bastard fish. He's mean and deserves someone his own size picking on him. (He's about the size of the Hunk's hand... I kid you not. He is the Boss Hogg of the family.)

Well it is about that time. I'm off to bed!

{title space for rent}

So I can't think of a title. If you'd like to rent out my title space, I'd be glad to sell it to you. I have paypal and I do accept money orders and cashiers checks and lavish gifts. All can be forwarded to me, your lovely hostess.

I haven't written in a while because I've just been vegging out. Nothing interesting is going on here. I always say that but it's true! I do the same thing every day at the same time. I'm sure that you guys don't want to hear a play by play, moment for moment accounting of my day so I just wait until I have something of value to say.

Ashame because I really, really love my Hello Kitty layout and she's just begging for wonderful and humorous essays and stories to fill her html with. I've let the Hello Kitty down.

In a bit better news though, despite my lack of working out for oh, say a week and a half... I fit into size 24 (stretch) jeans! Woo! Actually, I'm happy but not exactly happy because those stretch jeans are awesome and so comfy and can really stretch a lot so I don't feel it is a "true" size 24 until I can fit into the jeans that don't stretch. I just can't accept a victory can I? Nope. Especially one that I haven't really worked for. My eating is lame and no workouts for a week and a half? How is losing a size possible? I don't know. But I'll keep wearing my size 24's until they fall off.

Speaking of working out. I've got my butt in gear again. Sarah over there who's eating all my oxygen, is totally rocking the house with her working out and weight loss. We had tried to start a system together but she and I both got pregnant at the same time and then she got pregnant again and out of solidarity to her I didn't workout during her pregnancy (snicker!) But now, she's like haulin' booty over there and working out every night and has lost like 13 lbs. I think!! I'm so not letting her leave me in the dust like this! I will not be the "fat friend"! Ohhh no! I'm not going to watch her lose a bunch of weight, look great, and know that I could of been doing it with her but I was too lazy. Nuh uh, nosiree Bob.

So we're going to finish out July according to her goals. At least 4 days a week of working out but trying for 5 and watching the whole eating thing. Next month, we'll formulate more of exactly what workouts we're going to do since we have a lot of the same workout tapes and our new motto is going to be "Strive for Five". Five days of working out a week. Also we're going to strive for five with fruits and veggies and getting at least 5 servings a day (3 of one, 2 of the other). So, hopefully now that I have some motivation (to not choke on Sarah's dust) I'll get my rearend in gear. I haven't weighed because I've been in denial and I've just wanted to let my clothes tell me I'm losing. Oprah's trainer Bob Green also says not to weigh for the first 2 months because your body is so unstable with water changes and stuff but I think I just need to see that initial number to know if I'm losing again or not.

We'll see. I'm still scared.

Also on another positive note, my wonderful sister in law bought the boys a TON of clothes. I wish she'd adopt me!

Latah gatah...

A cause close to our hearts... Important!

This is a story about the Hunk's best friend who he's known since 2nd grade. He's suffered so much to serve this country and has asked for nothing in return. Please, if you find it in your heart to help him and others like him, support Operation War Hero. This family deserves our help and support for what they sacrificed to serve their country.

One soldier's never-ending battle

Reservist Eric Richardson came back from Kuwait with nerve damage caused by too-small boots and lives each day in excruciating pain. His young family was struggling until a determined woman stepped into their lives and altered the path of fate.
~JESSIE MILLIGAN STAR-TELEGRAM STAFF WRITER

Although it was not a Jesus image seen in a window's sheen nor a bolt-of-lightning intervention, it was as if the heavens allowed a small miracle one day this past spring when Jeff Gowins pulled his City Roofing truck into Racetrac Petroleum on Texas 183 in Fort Worth.

"Are you a roofer?" asked a woman at the gas pump next to him, looking at the sign on his truck. "Sir, I need your help right now. I'm trying to help a veteran. He's terribly injured, and his roof is leaking, and the ceiling is falling in at his house ...."

Gowins was stunned at the story that gushed from the woman.

A bad beginning
It started with a pair of too-small combat boots. The pair issued to reservist Eric Richardson of Saginaw was one full size too small for him. Richardson spent three months in the desert with his feet painfully crammed inside them. Nerve damage set in, and then a rare condition spread through his body and into his brain, he says.

Now, three years after coming back from Kuwait, his memory fails. His vision and hearing are fading. He can barely swallow, and he cannot walk. All because he wore a pair of combat boots one size too small. Back home, there is little relief from his constant pain. One day, the ceiling in his 4-year-old child's bedroom collapsed after rain leaked in. As their 40-year-old home falls into disrepair around them, his wife, Shelia, 31, struggles good-naturedly with his care.

By the time Gowins left the gas station that day, he was fired up to help the Richardsons. City Roofing already had helped re-roof several veterans' homes.

And the woman, Vicky Field, a particularly passionate employee of the U.S. Department of Defense newly charged with aiding injured veterans, had found someone with the skills to support her work. It was a chance meeting at a gas station, but together Gowins and Field would do what neither could do alone. They would start a new foundation to aid severely injured veterans, and they would set out not only to fix Richardson's home, but to build him a new one as well.

Hurting and hope
Small miracles are long overdue in the Richardson family's life. Go back some years, to 1996, and you'll see that life was sweet when Eric and Shelia Richardson married. The couple moved into a home on a street of few-frills ranch houses not far from the industrial main street of Saginaw, bordering north Fort Worth.

Shelia Richardson's parents live just up the street. It felt like home to Shelia, an eighth-grade science teacher at Tison Middle School in Weatherford, and to Eric, a Keller policeman.
He'd moved around Tarrant County so much as a kid that he'd never really been able to make close friends. Finally, he was settled, and he wanted to bring in extra income for his new family.
In August 2001, he joined the 610th Security Forces, an Air Force Reserve unit based in Fort Worth. A month later, the military's mission changed dramatically. By May 2002, he was in Kuwait.

He complained, of course, when the size 9 combat boots were issued. He wears a size 10.
"He kept telling them he needed new boots," Shelia Richardson says. "They told him no, so he wore 'em anyway." New equipment, from body armor to boots, was slow in coming in the early months of the war.

One day in August 2002, while carrying about 70 pounds of equipment on his 200-pound frame, he jumped out of a Humvee and heard a sharp snap in his foot. He thought he had broken his toes.

"Nerve damage," a military doctor told him and ordered him to wear athletic shoes.
The Richardsons say his superiors nixed the tennis shoes and ordered him back into his boots.
Roberta Smith, the public affairs officer for the 610th Security Forces, citing privacy issues, said recently that the Air Force Reserves are supportive of Richardson but cannot confirm the cause of the injury nor can it confirm any disciplinary action against the officers who Richardson says ordered him back into the boots.

Two weeks later, the pain was so unbearable that he was sent home on crutches, expecting that the damage would heal in about six months to a year. Eric Richardson and Shelia had a baby boy on the way, a little brother for their tiny red-headed daughter, Rebecca. Eric bought a shiny black pickup truck. Things would be OK, he thought.

Instead, the pain escalated.

Name the pain
Mysteriously, maddeningly, Richardson's nerve damage spread. His limbs were swollen. His joints ached. Muscles and bones weakened. Pain was constant. The disorder is one originally identified during the Civil War, when soldiers complained of constant pain originating from long-healed wounds. Doctors now identify the disorder as chronic regional pain syndrome, so called because in most cases the pain stays close to the original injury. More infrequently, the body's sympathetic nervous system kicks into overdrive, and the damage spreads along this network of nerves that control automatic body functions, from the dilation of the eyes in low light to the heightening of the heartbeat when in danger.

Usually, if the nerve damage spreads, it travels to one other limb, sometimes all of the limbs.
In even fewer cases, as in Richardson's, it also wreaks havoc with the central nervous system, the pathway to the brain, and spreads throughout the entire body, damaging cells along the way.
Theories exist on what causes the advancing nerve damage, but the exact cause of its spread is not agreed upon. Surgery to sever the affected nerves sometimes stops the spread, although the technique was not successful for Richardson.

There is no cure.

Mysteriously, miraculously, the condition can go into remission.

For the better part of a year, Eric Richardson was treated at the highly regarded Wilford Hall Medical Center at Lackland Air Force Base in San Antonio. He was released from the hospital in 2004 under a program to manage his pain. A drip of pain killers, often morphine, is released from a surgically implanted pump that sends the medication directly into his spine. A hospital bed has been wedged into the couple's bedroom. There, he spends most of his time, even on warm days, with nine blankets, one of them electric, piled on his legs to ward of the feeling of cold that is typical of the syndrome.

Furniture has been pushed against the walls and piled high in other rooms to make way for Richardson's wheelchair. Most doors in the couple's home are too narrow to allow for wheelchair passage. He can't get into the bathrooms because of the narrow doors. One bathroom sits just as he left it three years ago, torn apart for a remodeling project he was to finish on his return home. He can't get to the back yard. He can barely navigate the kitchen.

Doctors tell him to stay in bed most of the time, but Richardson is the kind of guy who used to like going shark fishing in the Gulf of Mexico or helping his brother build a house. Once in a while, he likes to get out of bed.

Pulling together
"The doctors say this condition will kill him," Shelia Richardson says. Maybe soon, maybe years from now.

"One of his biggest fears is that I will leave him," she says. "I took the vows. I meant it when I said I'd be there in sickness and in health." Shelia is a patient, calm person, the kind of mom who can gather up two tiny children fighting over a stuffed toy and comfort them in her lap while the dog barks and the phone rings. She knows which is the most important. Ronnie, almost 3, is a happy redhead who just got his head shaved for summer.

"This is all he's ever known," Shelia says. "He was born after his dad got home." Rebecca, 4, gets scared when her dad is having particularly hard times. Mostly, she is a helpful child with serious eyes. She straightens the blankets on her father's legs or helps her mom get him out of bed and into the wheelchair.

"She says she wants to be a doctor so that she can help people who hurt like her father does," Shelia Richardson says. "Either that or a cheerleader."

Humor helps when emotions are drained at the Richardson home. So does logic. "We are all going to die," Shelia says. "None of us knows when. We just have to live each day. "In my mind, I still see us old together," she says, brushing her long, dark hair back. Her eyes look very, very tired.

No blame assigned
The family holds no bitterness toward the Air Force, even as their lives continued to fall apart, even when the roof on their home started leaking every time it rained. But in Shelia's mind, all this — the injury, the financial woes — was the result of falling through the cracks of a system lumbering under the weight of war.

"The way Eric looks at it, bad things can happen in any business or corporation. This was war. It was just one or two individuals, not the whole system," Shelia Richardson says. They have looked beyond the military for help. The Richardsons applied for TV's Extreme Makeover: Home Edition in April. They were not selected. Shelia says she was told by show representatives that their situation didn't make the Air Force look good, although the Air Force had been involved in the nomination.

Charitable organizations turned the Richardsons down for aid because Shelia's teacher's income disqualified them. Just a few weeks back, Shelia brought Eric to the dentist. Nerves to his teeth had begun to die. The dentist took one look at the resulting infections that had spread through his teeth and called an ambulance.

Eric Richardson refused to be admitted to the hospital.

He wanted to be at home.

A lucky break
Luck hadn't turned the Richardsons way in three years. Then, in April this year, they met Vicky Field. Just this spring the Granbury woman took a U.S. Department of Defense job with the newly formed Military Severely Injured Joint Operations Center. Her job is to make sure veterans are hooked into the military benefit stream and to rally community support to do what the government cannot.

Her first project: Help the Richardsons.

She approaches her job with zeal. Her passion has a source of ignition. Her own son, Chad Snowden, is a veteran of Iraq who is gradually recovering from a gunshot wound to the head.
Field is determined enough that she thinks nothing of stopping a guy in a roofing truck at a gas station and asking for help. She's just enthusiastic enough that people tend to respond.

Jeff Gowins inspected the Richardsons' home not long after that chance meeting at the gas station. Along with him came another construction pro that Field found after visiting the office of U.S. Rep. Kay Granger. A representative of a housing developer, who wishes to remain anonymous, pored over the darkened rooms, where the lights are kept low to avoid hurting Eric Richardson's eyes. They poked around at the ceiling, they measured doorways.

The Saginaw home cannot be remodeled to accommodate a wheelchair, Gowins and the developer decided.

They'd build the Richardsons a new home instead.

A fresh start
Field and Gowins have worked quickly. Groundbreaking on the developer-donated lot at the Marine Creek Ranch subdivision is to take place later this month, and Gowins says the 2,100-square-foot home with donated materials and labor should be ready within three months. The Richardsons will have no mortgage payment. Even the landscaping is being donated.

Field and Gowins quickly mustered a six-person board of directors to manage donations to the Richardsons and, afterward, to other veterans. Paperwork is under way to register the foundation as a charity that can accept tax-deductible donations. The new nonprofit is to be called Operation War Heroes, and a Web site, www.operationwarhero.org, was recently constructed.

"That should go a long way toward relieving the burden on this family," Gowins says. "This has really been a God thing. The right people are being put on the right path to meet at the right place and the right time."

Meanwhile, Field has been out rallying more support. She's spoken at the Saginaw Chamber of Commerce requesting donations for the new home. She's visited area businesses and politicians. She's fielded hundreds of e-mails from people expressing interest in helping out — from the Quilting Grannies of Pecan Valley to the employees of Lockheed Martin Aeronautics' joint strike fighter program — after the story about her and her son, Chad, was featured in the Star-Telegram on Mother's Day.

Shelia Richardson, out of school for the summer and busy taking her husband to doctors' appointments several times a week, was at first too wary and too tired to let the goodness of the offer sink in.

"We'd been through so many letdowns. We didn't want to get our hopes up," she says. "Really, all I was expecting is maybe having a door widened." She says she and Eric are somewhat uncomfortable about receiving charity. They counter this by knowing that, when they are able, they'll do what they can to raise money for Operation War Heroes.

"Eric says he'd like to rally some support for them," Shelia says. "Maybe on the Internet."

She's beginning to let a little joy in.

When the developer's architect meets with the Richardsons to ensure they'll be happy with the home, Shelia Richardson tells them not to do anything "fancy." "I just want Eric to be able to get around," she says.

The new home emerges in her dreams.

Sometimes they are bad dreams where everything goes wrong. Usually, however, they are dreams where she sees Eric in the wheelchair, moving comfortably about the house.

Daughter Rebecca's only request: a pink bedroom.

Eric Richardson's only request: room to maneuver in a wheelchair.

"I'd really like to be able to move around," he said one recent afternoon before drifting off to sleep. These days he isn't always able to muster the energy for a conversation. He has told Shelia that he wants a flagpole in the front yard of his new home.

"He wants his buddies to know he still supports them," Shelia Richardson says.

The Richardsons can finally think about the future. Shelia already has started packing.

With help from Vicky Field and others, ground will be broken this month on the Richardsons' new home.

How you can help
For more information, e-mail info@operationwarhero.org
Operation War Heroes' new Web site is at www.operationwarhero.org
Jessie Milligan, (817) 390-7738 jlmilligan@star-telegram.com

SPECIAL TO THE STAR-TELEGRAM/JESSICA KOURKOUNIS


Please, I hope you find it in your heart to support this charity and our friends Eric and Shiela. If you believe in the power of prayer, please send up one for them.

Happy Independance Day!

I just wanted to wish everyone a very happy and safe Independance Day. Please be careful! And eat lots of bbq for me since we don't have plans to go anywhere. Hehe.

Also, in response to Sarah's request to "Share him, pretty please!".... All I have to say is:

Nuh uh.

Happy 4th!!

New Computer Desk

This is the new computer desk and set up I have going. There's more figurines on the top of my shelves, the mess from the top of the desk is gone (nearly) and the drawers are cleaned out. I used to have a "corner" desk that took up the entire room right there. Both walls! I loved the desk but I had everything piled on top of it and even though it was "bigger" it did not afford me any more room. We got thid smaller desk on sale and I love it! I have drawers now, I can hide the subwoofer, I have the shelving unit that fits with all my larger hardware items and Caylie. Much more efficient for me. Whee!
© 2005 MaiaRayne. All rights reserved.

Hamster Caylie

This is Caylie. Our Roborovski Dwarf Hamster. You can't tell how tiny she is but the ball she's in is no bigger than the size of a softball. That's the vaccum she's running towards.
© 2005 MaiaRayne. All rights reserved.

Yet Another One

So I have yet another layout. Some might say that it is a wee bit childish, being a cartoon and all, but I don't care.

This is my blog and I have the password dammit. *phbbt!*

I love Hello Kitty. Oh you didn't know that? Well I do. I have since I was a little girl becuase it has apparantly been around forever. I'm almost thirty and this little kitty and all her Sanrio friends make me giddy. This paticular Hello Kitty layout was summer appropriate and I loved the rainbow like feel of the colors. I have other HK layouts stashed in my "Templates" folder so you might be seeing more of this cutie.

If you don't like HK, well it's going to be a tough road ahead. All I can suggest to you is embrace the Kitty. Here, this might help you A LOT. If I was rich and frivelous, I'd totally buy it for my collection. My collection of Hello Kitty you perverts!

So what's been going on in my life? Nothing. For someone who spends most of her time teaching boys to be good, sociable, law abiding citizens you'd think that something would just jump out at me as blog worthy. But no, got nothin' for ya people.

Want to know how the weight loss is going? Me too. I haven't worked out in a week. I've suffered from severe insomnia all week. 2 hours a night people! One of those nights I went without that even. I'm going to the store and buying over the counter sleep aids. Normally they don't work for me but every couple of years I give it another go, remind myself that they don' t work for me and usually try and see a doctor.

However, we currently are health insuranceless until sometime in September when our new health insurance with the new company kicks in. There's a 90 day wait before being eligible for insurance. I'm hoping that when the Kidlet starts back to school, that the colds he brings home are minimal because we won't have insurance. Of course if they are sick I will take them to the doctor.... it's just going to be one huge bill that we'll have to make payments on and we just got their medical bills paid off.

Of course when the Kidlet started to school last year, he had pneumonia 3 weeks in. I hope his immune system is stronger now.

My parents went to Hawaii. I think I wrote about that. I'm like jealous and all. Of course. They should be back soon and then I get to hear all about it. I'll let you guys know how it went. I know that you are all so interested in the vacations my parents take.

I currently have a new movie lust object. Feast your
eyes on Gerard Butler. Isn't he just the dreamiest? I don't know what it is about this man but... he makes my heart flutter.

Normally I'm not a huge fan of facial hair but he just looks so... manly. And his accent.. oh that scottish accent of his.... it just makes me swoon.


He's mine lovelies! Alllllllll mine! I'm telling you... that voice could talk me into anything.

His movie, Dear Frankie comes out tomorrow on DVD and I hope I can get it here. I want to see it!!

There are rumors he could be the next James Bond. I don't like those movies but I sure as hell would become an avid fan if he was in them! I think I'm off to watch Attila or Timeline... yumminess.

Pictures of the past

Ok, so I promised a picture entry and here it is. Some pictures of my past.


First we have to our left here, a picture of my family when I was oh... around 9 or 10 years old. I think 10. We lived in Southern California and my Grandparents lived in Norther California. One paticular year on our way back my parents decided that it would be a lot of fun to drive through Yosemite National Park. Yosemite mind you requires reservations six months in advance. Now days it could be more but back then it was six months. My mother called one paticular place in Yosemite, Curry Village? Something.. anyway, she called and it just so happened that they had a cancellation. Score! We stayed about 3 days there. The room was very nice, very cabin woodsy and my sister and I slept up in the loft section. It was the most beautiful place I have ever been to. I would love to go there again with my own family. Or at least a nice honeymoon with the Hunk considering that we didn't have one when we married. Something to save for!


Here is my older sister, my dad, and myself. Wasn't I just the cutest little thing you've ever seen? Of course I was. This has to be my favorite picture of me with any family members. I think this was taken right outside Disneyland Hotel. We used to live right down the street from Disneyland and sometimes my parents would take us to the Hotel to see thier "Living Waters" show type thingy. It was beautiful. During the summer you could see the fireworks they'd set off over Disneyland from our house. My mom would always let me stay up to see the fireworks and I knew as soon as they were finished it was time for bed. She said I never complained about bedtime in the summer as long as I got to see those fireworks.


When I was 12 years old I started riding horses. Here I am in some Christmas type parade the city put on where our horse club was invited to be a participant in. The horse I'm on was named Midnight and I loved that horse. The club was amazing. An older gentleman ran it for about 10 kids at a time. You had to have at least a C average in all your classes and you had to keep a clean room or you were not allowed to ride that day. My mom went a step further and if my room wasn't clean she wouldn't even take me. Needless to say during those several months I belonged to that club I had good grades and a clean room. I also learned a lot about myself too. I made friends and once a month we'd have a cookout and all eat together. My dad knew the owner from the Air Force base and he took me and my little sister (much to my dismay) on for free because he knew my dad. I wonder if that program is still around or if he is. He was pretty old even back then and this was about 13 years ago.


This is my hoochie mama friend Rachel from back in the day. I don't know how many of you know I was in a government program called Job Corps (saved my life!) and she was my room mate for almost a year and a half. We had our ups and downs, we were completely opposite and not just the way we dressed but in everything. I loved her like a sister. In our case it really is true that opposites attract. I lost touch with her when I left and she left around the same time. It was sad and to this day I still wonder how she is doing. I wonder if she ever really found the love and validation she was looking for in herself and not the men she was going through like water. We fought over a guy once. That's when I learned that guys come and go but friends... they can be the one true thing in your life. (Oh, and look, I was thin enough for a belt!)


Well that's all the blast from the past I have to show just yet. Hopefully I'll get out to my mom's house soon and snag some old pictures if I beg really hard and promise to send them back.

Skipped a day of exercise

I just finished up working out. It was a real job to make me do it tonight. I skipped out on last night so I knew that if I didn't do it tonight it would be soo much harder to do it tomorrow after two days off. Sounds like I just told myself that and made myself workout all nice and simple huh? Nuuuhh uh.

I argued with myself until 3:30 in the morning. I just could not make myself do it. I told myself all the wonderful little motivational things that you say to yourself such as:

"You'll feel better when you're finished."

"You ate soo much today, you really need to work out."

"If you don't do it tonight, it won't get any easier tomorrow."

"You'll feel thinner once your workout is finished."

"You won't feel guilty and then you won't eat out of guilt."

"You won't feel like a fat pig like you are feeling right now."

"You'll have something to journal about."

Needless to say, the battle to exercise or not to exercise won in favor of exercising. And you know what? All the above is true. I feel better, thinner, less like a piggy (only a smidge though, more on that later) and tomorrow won't be harder, and I have something to journal about!

So the last two days I have been ravenous and pretty much have been eating everything in sight. I ordered pizza yesterday. No I did not get the thin crust but I didn't get the deep dish either and I ordered it with just plain cheese. I ate 3 pieces out of a medium pizza and the rest is still in the fridge today. Sounds like a victory doesn't it? Considering at one time I could eat a medium pizza. However, that's not how I feel. Pizza was not the only thing I ate that day. I thought I'd order a bag of salad as well, you know to make me full before I ate the pizza, but heck... I just skipped the salad and ate that afterward a few hours later. I used plenty of ranch dressing too. I actually layered my salad. Lettuce, dressing, lettuce, dressing. Then I added all the good stuff like croutons and shredded cheese.

There's something seriously wrong when even rabbit food is fatning for you. I'm the seriously wrong part. I just can't seem to desire wanting to eat less the last two days. I ate chinese today. Oh not the good healthy vegetable stuff. Noooo. I ate the fried rice and the fried sweet and sour chicken and the ribs. All of it, topped off with a fortune cookie. Want to know what my fortune was?

"The view changes only for the leading dog."

Words of wisdom, that is. The thought of looking at dog butts through this journey sort of made me laugh though. Sort of.

So the new job is going well for the Hunk. He likes it. He was given a handbook and told to memorize it at all costs because it was the rules of the union workers he works with. He himself is not union but he works with a lot of employees who are and he needs to learn how to do things the way they are supposed to be done lest someone files a grievance against him. He's working nights and it has been a super adjustment for the entire family. The boys miss him terribly. They see him for about 20 minutes a day Tues-Sat and the Wee One always seems to know when he's leaving. He clings to the Hunk's legs, he chases him to the door, he cries... it breaks both our hearts. The Kidlet on the other hand is more understanding of Daddy leaving, it is the "When is Daddy going to be home?" part that has him not adjusting well.

The Hunk gets home anytime after 5-6 a.m. and the Kidlet wants to stay awake until Daddy gets home because he wants to see him. This just isn't possible. So by the time he wakes up, Daddy's sleeping, Daddy gets up, sees him for 20 minutes before work and the Kidlet is in bed before Daddy gets home. They all miss him so much.

As for me? I miss the man too. Desperately. I'm not sleeping well without him here and I know I never slept well before but this just feels different. I feel I haven't seen him in a long time and that the work week is a very long one. He has 2 days in a row off, which is something he never had before, but it just makes those 5 straight days of working seem to drag on.

We do love the predictablity of his schedule though. Very much. He never ever had that with his previous employer. It's sort of stabalized the family into a routine. And having Sundays and Monday's off aren't shabby either!

My parents are going to Hawaii on Wednesday. Color me jealous. I wish I was going. My father is retired now and they are just traveling fools. Las Vegas, California, now the Island of Hawaii.

You'd think they could make a teeny trip to my state considering it is right next door to theirs huh. Guess not this year. Normally I wouldn't be so bothered but we didn't get our vacation out there last year or this year and I have not seen my family (except my mother) for 3 years now. Maybe next year...

Ok, time to try and head to bed because I'm just dead on my feet these days.

Latah gatah.

Cute Shoes

Here is my cute workout shoes. You have to have good working out shoes because, as I have found for myself, my knees and lower back suffer greatly when I don't. However, if you are going to get good shoes, make sure they are cute. You have to make sure they are adorable and that you feel adorable in them. I love getting my workout shoes on. I don't like the working out by my feet are well dressed for the occasion. Ignore the pants. They should be capri's but my fat legs make them much shorter. One day they will be capri's again! Btw, for those who are wondering, my shoes are Adidas. You probably weren't but I just wanted to have a little more text to fill up this entry.

Wonders don't cease

My my my. Look at me! Back for another post so soon.

Just wanted to let ya'll know that Day 3 has been completed of my exercise program and eating right (well better anyway) program. Feels good but.... I don't know if any of you have felt this way.. but I'm sort of still waiting for the other shoe to drop. The day that I skip one workout... then that one turns into 2 and so on and so forth. Even if I skip one day and work out the next sometimes my 5 day workout weeks go to 4 and 3 and then zip.

I know that I'm the only one that can control that and right now I am. But honestly it is easier to do this when you have the same routine every day. Right now I do. Once something throws a kink into my routine I'm going to scatter. Guess I'll just have to start preparing for that now.

The Hunk said he was going to start working out in the exercise room of our apt. complex. He doesn't want to work out with DVD's with me. *pout* At least he says he's going to do something. As for doing it? I don't know yet. He's kind of lost as to what to do, how many reps, what on what days, how many lbs. ect. I'm just as clueless as he is. It isn't like we have money that we can afford a professional trainer just to get him started with some sort of routine. Hell if we could afford a PT you know he/she'd be workin' for me!

I have some old pictures of me in my younger days. I just don't feel like posting them right now. I'm off to bed. The Hunk working his new job has me sleeping maybe 4-5 hours a night. Insomnia or not. So those pictures will be forth coming.

Amazing

It is amazing what a little exercise will do for you. I just wish beyond anything that I could bottle up this feeling for the rest of the 99% of the time that I don't feel so amazing. As you might of guessed (by reasonable deduction here), I started working out again.

Yay me! No, really, yay me. I'm waiting.

Ahhhhhhhhh. I feel better now.

I joined Denise Austin's Forever Fit online program. No, I'm not putting a link up. No, it is not because the program sucks. It is because I just worked my pretty muscles way too hard to copy and paste links at 1:30 a.m. Deal.

So anyway, I joined the group. It is pretty much eDiets without the "you have to pay extra if you want any type of fitness advice and routines" schmuck. She has food, shopping lists, printable everythings, workout routines and she also has 3 different caloric intake programs. I of course opted for the highest caloric intake allowed. 1800 big ones a day. I'm feeling almost giddy about that. Almost.

I also bought her beginner exercise kit because obviously whenever you get the incentive to lose weight again, it doesn't matter if you have 50,000 tapes and DVD's of exercise routines or handy little gadgets that promised to slim your body down, you have to buy more. The old stuff has an "old, you didn't work for me because I'm still fat" air to them. Don't they? Almost mocking you... If they could speak they might say, "Well.... I didn't work because you didn't use me." or "I didn't work because you were more overweight than my inventor ever accounted for." or "I didn't work because I was just an impulse purchase and we never work." And perhaps, above all, they might say, "I'm sooo last season."

At any rate, none of my 50,000 DVD's or tapes or cute little neoprene weights, or Fanny Lifter or stretchy bands were making me very excited about jumping back into this whole "lifestyle change." I needed something new, fresh, exciting, motivating. This was going to be my answer. The starter kit. You got 3 DVD's, 3 Stretchy bands and 1 exercise ball. Fabulous! I was all ready for my brand new scenery change. Err um, I mean lifestyle change.

Then, they just sat there. For a week. Meh. I didn't feel like blowing up the exercise ball and I couldn't find my workout shoes (don't knock it, they are very important!) and so on and so forth. I guess the change of "scenery" didn't pan out so well. I finally got my butt in gear on monday and worked out. I did much better than I thought I would but I didn't make it through ever segment. I don't care. I'm just glad I didn't have a heart attack while trying to shake my ample bum to a thinner me.

You know what I saw on W@lmart(dot)c0m? Carmen Electra has workout DVD's that are sexy! Yes, Strip to get Fit! and one other one. I don't know. I want those though. That's going to be my answer now. I can get sexy while learning to be sexy. She's pretty stripper like so I figure that I'd be getting it from the horses mouth. Maybe I'll ask the birthday faerie if she'll bring them for my birthday. Of course, I want to be sexier by then anyway.

Ok, I'm off to bed. Much to tell you about the Hunk's new job, new teeth for the Wee One and the Kidlet is drivin' me cray-zee. When does school start back up again?

Vacation time!

Well, I was supposed to be going back to New Mexico today for vacation but due to circumstances beyond our control, we're staying home. That's ok though. It gives us a chance to do some spring cleaning! Yay, doesn't that sound like a stupendous vacation? Well at least the house will look better for it.

The Hunk's last day was yesterday. They gave him an award (unrelated to his leaving) and so he felt it was a nice way to "go out". Of course, I felt the award was a little to little a little too late. As long as he feels good about his leaving, that's all that matters.

I don't know what our plans are going to be this week but, hopefully, aside from the cleaning, we'll find something fun to do.

Yay for fun!

Update at Wee People

I've updated The Wee People with just a few pictures. After I went through the graduation pictures for the Kidlet at his school, I realized there really weren't hardly any that came out.

I have more of the Hunk and Sean that need posting but I'm tired and haven't been to bed so I'm going to call it a night. I hate how exaughsting reformatting or starting from scratch can be when you have to install everything back on again. I got a new hard drive for my birthday... not this passed birthday mind you but the one before this last one. At any rate, that is in and the motherboard/processor combo that I got a few months ago is finally working as well. Yay! I finally have room again. Of course, I'm so paranoid of using it all up again. Oi.

Until later gang...

He got the job!

Just wanted to let all of you know that the Hunk got the new job he wanted!! Woohoo! This means a little more money (which is gone when we take over our car payments from his mom), an end of the year bonus with a potential for a 5% raise if he gets a good review at the end of the year.

We are both really excited about this as this means he can finally get out of the current job he is in. Only drawbacks are that he will be working nights and I hate being left alone at night, and we won't have health insurance for 90 days. Other than that, he's very excited to be starting something new.

He's going to be a front-line supervisor for a warehouse. It's different but he's so smart, I'll know that he'll adapt quickly.

Just wanted to update you guys on the good news!

New Layout

So I've changed the layout. I thought I wanted something fun and cute and girly but apparantly I didn't because I was still out there looking through layouts. I know that I haven't found the layout if I'm still browsing continually after I've spent hours fixing code of a template I've already picked.

I think this one is going to suit me quite nicely for a while. It's simple and organized and that is what I want. Also, the text area is wide enough to really get my pictures in. Not that I just have any to post on this site. I have tons to post on the boys' site though. I need to do that.

I actually do have something to post though. Not about anything going on here. I pretty much got that off my chest yesterday, but about a site I was introduced to that has what is called, "Movies in 15 minutes". It is this woman named Cleolinda who watches a movie and then writes a parody of it. It is hillarious. Now I don't know if it was funny because I had already seen the movie, or if I would of thought that it was funny anyway.

The first 15 minute movie I read was Phantom of the Opera. I don't know if it is just because I had watched the movie the night before, but it made me laugh like crazy. I tried to post and excerpt of it here, but for some reason it just kept making all these weird symbols wherever there was an apostrophe so if you want to read it you'll have to go to the website. If you want to read the full version of Phantom of the Opera click here.

She also has parodies for King Arthur, Troy, Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban, and Hannibal. There are a few more I believe and will link them at a later time. You can find Cleolinda's blog here.

It is now 6 a.m. and the Hunk is showering for work. I think I might join him and then curl up in my bed for 3-4 hours before the boys wake up.

A start? God I hope so.

Well last night I took the first steps towards weightloss again for the first time since October I believe. I hope it is a start. I joined a similar version of eDiets but with Denise Austin. I'm pretty familiar with her and it cost the same amount and I got one step further of customized fitness routines.

The Hunk and I had a two hour discussion on my weight, my issues and his thoughts and feelings about the entire thing. I hadn't slept all night long so needless to say I was a bit raw and emotional. Thank goodness he was very understanding, loving, and honest. The best thing about the entire conversation is that he said my weight will never keep him from loving me. I believe him too. At least I know in my head he isn't lying to me.

I have had so many thoughts about weight that I should of had a pad of paper and a pen in there with me. I know the entry could go on forever. I've had so many thoughts. Mainly, since seeing a show on Oprah where she had this set of twins, one being 120 lbs. and the other 420 lbs. I can't stop thinking about weightloss.

The overweight woman's 13 year old son was on there talking about his mother's weight and how it affects him. It was a smack in the face to me. I have always felt so bad knowing that my weight can/will affect the Kidlet. I've been so worried about his friends teasing him because he has a fat mom. How vain I was. VAIN. For me, the horrible reality of being overweight is being ugly. I feel ugly. I look ugly. Naturally I put that off on the Kidlet that he too would only see my weight as making me ugly and an embarrassment to him around his friends. It never occured to me that he could grow up and really be afraid for my health and my life. That he could silently pray his mom doesn't die. That he, more than myself, could realize the mortality aspect of being obese. That isn't my reality of being fat. My reality is that I can't fit into cute clothes and my face has a double chin and that I think I look like a big and worry about what other people think I look like. His possible reality is growing up to not have his mother share his life.

That 13 year old boy only wanted his mom to lose the weight to live. Not because he wanted a "hot" mom. He cried on the show and I just saw the Kidlet's face 7 years from now. It hit horribly close to home and was so real that I have been afraid to think about it and unable to do anything but think about it.

Also, something Oprah said on that show... something to the effect of being overweight is just an excuse not to live your life. You stand on the sidelines and watch it go by. It doesn't require you to engage in people, events, activities or anything. That seemed to feel true of me. No one expects or requires anything of me. Even myself. I don't have to play physical games with the kids because I'm physically unable. I can sit in the middle of the floor and let them play around me but I'm not really engaged in wanting to take them to the park and run around chasing a ball or anything. I can laugh and joke that my toddler keeps me on my toes but in reality, not really. Sure I may have to chase him a little bit to keep him out of things, and I may have to pick him up pretty regularly but.... it's nothing that I would say I'm getting any sort of phsyical benefit from because I'm still gaining weight.

I was talking to the Hunk and trying to figure out what in my past (or even currently) is keeping me fat. You don't get to be 300 lbs (not an actual number but darn near close) by only being lazy. It isn't just what you are eating either. It is what is eating you. I told him I didn't get to be this weight (twice even) just because I'm unmotivated. Something is keeping me this way and I need to fix it. I have a pretty good idea of all the issues I have from childhood and now but I don't know how to move past them. I don't know how to deal with the feelings I have regarding it all. He seems to think that I'm just trying to dig into my past to find more excuses not to just start doing what I need to do. That sounds rather harsh but he was really quite understanding (as understanding as someone who has never had to deal with weight all thier life can be) about it. I told him I wasn't trying to find excuses but, I lost 60 lbs. already and I have not kept it off.
I told him I believed that as sick as it sounds, I think I'm punishing myself for gaining the weight back by staying fat. Maybe somewhere I don't feel I deserve to have it off because I couldn't be good enough to keep it off. Even when I had lost the weight I always felt like such a fraud because I ate horribly, I just ate a lot less. I always felt like I shouldn't be losing because I wasn't doing everything right. Maybe I gained the weight back because I never felt like I should of lost it in the first place. I mean you can't 'fraud' yourself into losing 60 lbs. That's real and an accomplishment but I just didn't feel that way at the time. I'm sure there was more to that feeling than just not doing everything right but at the time that is what I focused on.

I told him that this should be the easy part. The second time around should be the easy part because I know I can be successful. I know that I can lose 60 lbs because I've done it before. I know that it will take hard work but that the hard work will payoff. I know that nothing bad can come from exercising. When I went to say, "...and I know that I will feel good about myself..." I choked and lost it. I couldn't even get the words out. I choked on them. I started crying my eyes out. It felt like a revelation in that I don't want to feel good about myself. Not in that poor me, I'm so horrible way but in that I finally admitted to myself that I honestly believe I don't deserve to feel good about myself way. I have always thought I deserved to be happy. I mean I'm like anyone else. We all deserve to be happy. Yet here I am, unable to say that I should even feel good about myself.

I don't know what to do with that. I don't know how to change that, turn off the internal dialogue that got by some pivitol people in my life and that I have continued on for them. I keep thinking that I need to see a counselor but unfortunately insurance will not pay for it which kind of leads me to I guess the secondary piece of news (after all that weight talk) of what is going on around here. The Hunk probably (if offered the right salary), hopefully has the new job. He had a great interview and the guy said he really wants him to be apart of his team. He's given him his recommendation to a second guy he needs to interview with on Monday. Things look hopefull so please keep your fingers crossed.

The Kidlet had his last day of school yesterday and on Tuesday they had this little awards ceremony. I have pictures of that and of the Wee One helping Daddy under Mama's desk that I need to post on their site as well. Hopefully I'll get to that sometime today.

Yes, it has been this long

I can't believe how long it has been since I have posted either. Time just keeps going by so fast and before I know it, an entire month has passed.

Right now I'm at my sister-in-law's house. I spent the night with the boys here while the Hunk went shooting with the brother-in-law. He'll be back this afternoon to pick us up. The bed that I slept in last night was probably one of the most comfortable beds I have ever slept in. It was only a full size but that was just perfect for just me and it was soft enough to be comfortable and firm enough to give support. I loved it. I wish I could take it home with me!

I'm pretty much recovered from the surgery. My scar itches a lot but other than that there is no real pain or discomfort. The boys (and I'm probably jinxing myself here) are NOT sick at the moment. Although the Kidlet did have a fever earlier in the week and missed some school.

He's finishing his first year of Kindergarten on Wednesday. Can you believe that an entire school year has gone by? I can't. Man, what a year it has been too. We've decided to hold him back one more year. Not because academically he's not up to par, he's in the top 10% of his class, but because maturity wise he could use another year and practice how to get along with the other kids. Also, his stamina and attention span are minimal and his teacher told us that the work load triples in first grade. We just don't feel he is ready for that yet. This too will also put him on track with the other kids in his classes throughout the years. Since he started school so young, if he were to go into first grade now, but the time he got into high school, there would be things like all his friends getting to drive and him having to wait another year. So.... overall we feel this is best for him. He started when he was 4 (turned 5 a few weeks later) so he was pretty young. He's the youngest in the class.

I can't really think of any more to say. The only other thing going on around here is that we are going to be taking a vacation from June 3-10 to New Mexico to visit my family. I can't say as I'm looking forward to the trip because of all the weight I have gained. I'm also not looking forward to traveling with 2 children. I think we are probably going to have to drive through the night while they are sleeping. There is also something going on with our car right now that the air conditioner vents are smoking. I hope that we can get it fixed in time before the trip because.... I'm not going with smelling that for 10-12 hours.

Oh I guess another big thing going on is that the Hunk has a job interview on Monday with another company. He is thinking of trying to get out of the business that he is in right now and try something different. It pays about 8k more a year, so keep your fingers crossed that he gets this new job. I think he's finally excited thinking about working somewhere else. He's been with his current job for 13 years and understadably it is very scary switching careers. Especially when he didn't think at 39 years old this is what he'd be doing. However, sometimes you just have to realize when it is time to leave and not stay just because there is a comfort level (and he isn't even that comfortable!) there.

So here's hoping!

New couch is here!

Our new couch is here!! Isn't it wonderful? It's so comfy. Well the only thing I don't like about it is that it is low back and there is no place to rest your head unless you slouch really far. Our old one was high back but I'm so happy to have this new one. I don't care about the low back! It is so comfy! And look how well it matches my carpet.

I could tell the Hunk was excited because I woke up this morning to a clean living room. He also steam cleaned the carpet today! He didn't want our new baby going on a dirty floor I guess. LOL.


We got our new couch!!! Isn't it booooteful?
© 2005 MaiaRayne. All rights reserved.


Here is the bed inside our new couch. I can't wait to test it out but it will be a few days before I can go to the store to pick out some queen size sheets.
© 2005 MaiaRayne. All rights reserved.


In other news, my doctor felt it was too soon to remove the staples so I go back Monday the 25th. Ugh! I think I'm having an allergic reaction to the metal. I'm hypoallergenic and I would think they would use the right kind of metal but I don't know. We'll see. I got another prescription for pain medicine. It's so painful sometimes. I will be so glad when I can feel myself again!

Staples out...

I said I would be back when I felt better. I lied. I'm back and I don't feel better. I'm in so much pain. I don't think anything is infected but everything sure as hell is irritated. I was told to take off the bandage on Saturday. I think that was a big mistake. Not because of healing but just because everything moved around less, was more protected and more padded.

I get my staples out today and I am hoping and praying and crossing everything I have that I can cross that the staples being out will take the pain away. I'm always in pain. I can't walk without pain. My pain meds take my pain level down to a 6 on a pain scale of 1 to 10. That's the best Vicoden is doing. Vicoden, you failed me. Failed me bad. You used to be so good to me. Those days are over aren't they? What did I do to cause this rift in our relationship? It used to be so good. I'd hurt and you'd soothe me, make me sleepy and take me off to la la land. Now I am your bitch and you nor anything else will never take the pain that I'm feeling. Oh Vicoden.... Vicoden, Vicoden, Vicoden. You are no longer the happy pill I used to know and love.

My mom and dad are in California. It is their first time to my Grandparents house since my Grandma died. I only have talked to my mom for a moment but I didn't get any details on how she is doing. I hope she is ok.

A few new purchases recently. I have a new keyboard because my old one was also a bitch to me. It would take 10k keystrokes to get 1 s or 1 d. Not to mention the backspace failed me as well. It just gave up on me. We all know that I desperately need my backspace. One day I will make an entry for you entirely not using the backspace key. You shall see how lucky you are that I do. So I love my Logitech MX 3100 something or other. I'd get the link for you but I'm too lazy. It also comes with a rechargeable mouse. Yay. No more batteries cutting out on me mid-task leaving me with a mouse that doesn't work and a panick of not even knowing if I have batteries in the house to replace them with. This mouse loves me. This mouse is polite. This mouse has little lights that tell me how charged it is. See how nice this mouse is? It also lets me know when it is done charging. Come home to mama little mouse.

Our second purchase was by far much bigger. We bought our very first couch! It's a sleeper sofa and normally those are so expensive but this was fairly priced and in a good mocha color to disguise dirt. It's comfy and soft and textured. It is being delivered on Wednesday. Yay! For those of you who don't know, the Hunk and I have loathed the couch we now have since the day we got it. However, it was free and beggars can't be chosers. We are no longer beggers. Ohhh no. We're spenders so we can be chosers. I haven't actually seen it yet, but the Hunk has and he is happy with it and he is far more picky than I am about these things. I'm picky about color and cuteness and he's picky about comfort and functionality. I trust him since I got the color I wanted. I know he held up his end of the deal.

The couch we are getting is called El Dorado. How approriate that that is the name of the favorite movie of the boys right now (Road to El Dorado) and the link (because I'm not too lazy to get this one) is here.

Ok, I'm hurting. I'm going to lay down and hurt some more. I'll be at the doc's by 3:30 p.m. today so keep your fingers crossed she doesn't tell me that something went horribly wrong and that I have to do this again or something. Yeah. That would suck.

I'm home...

I'm home from surgery now. I stayed over night. It was horrendous, horrible, painful, and ugly. I have staples. I will never trust a doctor that says I can go home in one day from a surgery again. Ugh.

Took forever to get me a room. I'm on pain meds, they aren't helping though. Even the good happy stuff like Vicoden. I'm not going to stay long. Just wanted to let you guys know that I'm home and at least better than I was yesterday.

Ya'll. I was wishing... wishing that I was in labor with the Wee One again. It was that bad.

Be back when I feel better.

Surgery

Hope Jennah doesn't mind, but I thought I'd pop over and ask everyone who reads to send positive quick recovery thoughts for Jennah, she went in for her hernia surgery today.

Thinking of you hon! *hugs* Heal quickly and take it easy as much as possible!

Surgery Tomorrow

Can you say scared? I can. J-e-n-n-a-h. I guess my last surgery didn't freak me out because it was more of an emergency thing and I had also been doped up on Morphine for 24 hours before it took place so I was feeling no anxiety there! (Btw, Morphine for that long with no food and coming off of it is horrendous and crappy)

I go in at 7:00 a.m. and I'm not allowed to have anything after midnight. Not even ice or gum. Gah! I just know that I'm going to get thirsty and hungry something aweful around midnight or after. Doesn't matter that for the past week or so I've been sleeping right through midnight. Yeah, I'm actually becoming a normal person! I've been sleeping 6-8 hours a night from around 9:00 until anytime after 4:00 a.m. roughly. Sometimes 3:00 and sometimes 6:30 a.m. At any rate. I'm sleeping.

So, where was I? Oh yes. I go in at 7:00 a.m. and my surgery is at 9:00. My SIL is going to take the Wee One tonight and keep him until Saturday sometime. The Hunk will be home with me on Friday. He has to go to work after he drops me off at home after the surgery. Yeah, I know it sucks but he tried to get the time off. I don't fault him at all. At least he can go in late if need be. He'll be working until at least midnight though. I'll have the Kidlet with me and although he still needs supervision, he's a little more self-reliant than the baby of course. My friend is also going to be bringing dinner and dessert so I don't have to worry that my family will starve. Me for that matter too!

So there are a few things that I forgot to update in The Wee People blog. Wee One is walking. He's been walking since his first step on March 12th. He doesn't walk very far without holding on to something but he doesn't have the fear of leaving a table or a leg behind to walk toward something else. Also, yesterday the Kidlet got a nasty cut on his ear. Pretty much nearly sliced down into the cartiledge. He was doing stuff I've told him 1000x not to, and jumping off the couch. I didn't see him and he lost his footing when he landed and hit a speaker/subwoofer that is very heavy. It looks horrid. I have pics but I don't want to gross you out. Why did I take pics you ask? Well because my friend's dad is a paramedic and he looked at the pics to tell me if I needed to go to the ER for stitches. I have several from every angle. Heh. No need to rush off to the hospital though. Just kept an eye on him, watched for signs of a concushion ect. He's fine.

Well I need to finish cleaning my house because I don't want a dirty house to come home to. I also don't want my friend to see a dirty house when she brings dinner over. Wish me luck yall. I'll update as soon as I can.

Scheduled Surgery

Just wanted to let you guys know that I'm scheduled for a hernia repair on April 14th at 9 a.m. I'm sorry to leave you guys hanging there but I had originally had it scheduled for the day after tomorrow but due to what is going on with the Hunk at work, there was no way that he could be with me that day let alone help take care of the boys the next few days following.

The doctor said it is an out-patient procedure. She'll give me lots of tummy numbing medicine and some pills and after a couple of hours of observation at the hospital, I'll be sent home if I'm ok. I don't know how long it is going to take to recoup from this but I hope not long. I really need to get my life (and weight) back on track.

So that's the news... I'll update you guys further if there are any new developments on the surgery front. As for that, nothing else here is going on. Plain, plain, plain jane.

Appointment tomorrow...

I have an appointment tomorrow at 2:30 p.m. to see my surgeon about fixing this hernia. She wanted me to get rid of the cough before she repaired it since the cough is what brought on the hernia. Only thing is, I can't get rid of this cough. It's dramatically decreased yes, but I still have some very bad days. I think a recent bad day with the cough made the hernia worse. Since hernia's can be life threatening, I'm not going to take chances and I'm going to see her tomorrow and tell her I've seen 2 regular doctors and 1 ER doc about this cough and I've only managed to get it down to a dull roar on most days. She wanted me to see a Puliminary Specialist and said she'd call my regular doctor about getting me a referral but when I went to that doc appointment I was only given Advair and Singulair. Those medications helped a lot but now that I'm out of them... slowly the cough creeps back.

Also when you are taking Advair it says to be careful because you aren't as fast at healing. Lovely.

So I don't know what to do. I don't know if she is going to wait and have me see a Pulminary Specialist or if she will see the hernia is worse and decide to operate. I'm not looking foward to surgery I can tell you that. Especially since my mother-in-law just had it and she's been in hte hopsital 3 times in 3 weeks with recovery complications.

I'm too young to be falling apart like this.

Let us not even talk about weight, shall we?

Other than that life here is good. Nothing new to report. It's just the same day to day stuff. Try and sleep, get up with baby, get Kidlet when he gets off of school, work on homework, sleep. Them, not me. Heh.

Life is uncomplicated right now for the most part. Which is very, very good. It's just this darn impending surgery. Please don't let this be the first step on the road to being really old with a million health problems.

Update...

I can't believe it has been 11 days since I have updated. I honestly don't know where the time goes. I thought that it would be easier to update here at Blogger (it is) and that I would keep
it up-to-date.

Well considering that nothing has happened worth writing about, it's a safe bet that even after 11 days, I'm still up-to-date! Like how that works? Yeah me too.

For those of you who know about a certain situation (Yes, I mean you), things are better in that area. Still only time will tell if I'll ever be able to push these feelings aside, and I am pretty positive I can.

Boy, doesn't that just make the rest of you don't know what I'm talking about dying of curiosity?? Yeah I'm sorry to do that to ya. Maybe, eventually, I'll fill everyone in on the above situation. I'm ok, things are fine, don't send search and rescue!

The "cough from hell" remains. Although, I'm not as bad as I was. The wheezing has almost stopped since I started taking Singulair and Advair. I'm almost out of samples though and I'm worried it is going to come back (the cough that is) stronger. It's still not gone enough to have surgery on my hernia though. Not that I'm in just such a rush for surgery, I know that they really should be taken care of though.

The Wee One's cold has turned into a congested cough. He's sounding much better today though. If he's improved by Wednesday when the Hunk has a day off we won't be taking him to the doc. If not, he's going right back. He was coughing so hard he was vomiting. Poor guy. I know exactly how he feels. That's what I've been doing for 4 months.

My MIL is in the hospital again, for the third time in 3 weeks. She just had colon and hernia surgery and there's been complications. Keep her in your thoughts please.

I guess that's it!

Where have I been?

Well it's been a few days since I last posted. Where have I been? I certainly don't know! Time seems to be flying by at a break-neck speed.

I had a surgical consultation about my hernia. She consulted to me that I needed surgery. She also said she wanted me to see a pulminary specialist first to find out why I've had a cough for 3 months before she does anything. She said the coughing will only return the hernia. Makes sense. So I go to the doctor's tomorrow morning at 10:15 so that that doctor can tell me which Pulminary Specialist to go to. Then make another appointment and so on and so forth.

I'm only 28 people. I feel I'm falling apart at the seams here!

The Wee One had his 1-year well baby check (more info here). It went fine, mostly. He has a cold but his ears are clear and not infected. He's dropped from the 50% to 5% though. I think from being sick the majority of his short life. I was upset by this but not because I feel any personal responsiblity (for once I have no guilt!) but just because of the situation. You want your children to thrive and grow. You don't want them to be sick to the point that they are only bigger than 5% of the population age group he's in. I know those figures mean nothing so you don't have to email me (shut your clients!), but it's just something I wish had not happened to him. I'd give anything to rid this house of germs and sickness but with the Kidlet being school age, I doubt that we'll ever get away from it. Except during the summers.

I'm beginning to understand how people can have phobias about "germ riddle children".

Did I tell y'all that we got a dwarf hamster? Oh she's the cutest thing! She's a Robo (roborovski) hamster and she's no bigger than my thumb. She'll grow to about 2". I haven't taken a picture of her yet because I'm letting her get aclimated to our house first. I'm a little worried about her though. I haven't seen her drink any water and the water level of her bottle hasn't gone down. I touched the tip and was dry so I took it out and just as I did so a drop fell out so I know it works. We'll continue to see how she does. A site about Robo Hamsters is here. As soon as she's adjusted (and not dead from dehydration) I'll take a picture of her. The Kidlet named her Caylie.

I think that is all to report! Until next time my lovelies....

The Doctor Visit

Well my doctor visit went better and worse than I expected. I'll get on with the better part because guys, I definitely can wait to relive the worse part.

The office was very large and had an entire toy section for children to play in as well as a very cool fish tank. I don't now how many of you know but the Hunk and I have recently bought a fish tank (The Kidlet's Christmas present, we get to do all the work.) and had a friend give us his bastard fish. We're doing really well with keeping on up on important things like.... feeding the bastard fish, changing out the filter, and keeping up with water changes. We've only had 1 casualty out of the 3 bastard fish that were given to us. The big, ugly (cause he is) bastard fish kept attacking the little fish and the sucker fish (who by the way aren't bastards) and well, the survival of the fittest. The litle one didn't make it.

I had somewhere I was going with this. Ah, yes, a point!

As I was saying, the office was nice. I only waited about 10 minutes in the waiting room before being led to the back for the joy and thrill of being weighed. 3 lbs. higher than I thought which isn't bad but I'm not going to tell you how far (or close) it was to my original weight. Not yet anyway (and I have another diary for all that ranting anyhoo).

They took the standard medical history and I was never left alone in the exam room for more than 10 minutes at a time. Which was great considering that I was there for an hour and a half. I was given breathing tests, treatments, then redo previous breathing tests. I had my stomach checked for a hernia and the doc, who was a very nice young pregnant woman, talked a bit.

And here (amazingly) is where the doctor's office visit Gods shined down on me. She said nothing about my weight. Nothing. No paper of ultimate wisdom and all-knowing. No "looks". No lectures, warnings, judgements, informatives, or editorials. Nothing.

But fortune can only shine for a moment before I open my fat mouth and bring up my own weight. I told her that sometimes it scared me to start working out again. I felt that I was so large now that I'd surely have a heart attack. To which she replied, "Nah." Then she told me if I was still worried though, that I could schedule a full physical and they'd do all the blood tests and stress test ect. To which I thought, "Nah." and that was that.

(Ok I didn't completely think "Nah." I just thought that, as in, "Nah, I don't want to schedule that right now because I'm very happy in denial land and to force me take a train to reality land is just something that ain't going to happen until I can get this cough knocked out and I can breathe again while simply sitting.")

I did have a quite embarrassing part of the visit though. One I'm not entirely sure I want to talk about because that would require telling you way to much about my bodily functions and the fact that said bodily functions decided that they must function now and I had no choice but to make a dash for the very unprivately located bathroom that sat directly infront of the nurses desk where all the doctors of the office (there's like 5 or more I swear) walk up to and away from, and that has that little hole cut out to which only a thin sheet of tin on a hindge is placed that you might shield your cup o' urine but not any gurgling or bubbling of one's stomach. Not to mention anything else resembling the sounds of baby zerberts or raspberries. The same bathroom that has 101 thousand hand sanitizers, because God forbid you leave with one single bastard germ on your hands but, is also completely devoid of any air sanitizer. If all this wasn't enough for you, I would like to inform you of the large waist-high (or taller on shorties like me) trash can directly outside of the bathroom door where you are walking out and it (being in the usual fashion of the universe to watch me die of embarrassment) seems that there's always going to be a doctor standing right in your way so that you can't open the door enough to get around the huge-ass trash can while trying to open the door as minimally as you can and for the least amount of time that you can. Oh no, you must wait for the doctor to say he's sorry and move out fo the way all while having to open the door wider and hoping to God that the green gaseous vapor doesn't come trailing out behind you even after you shut the door and lead them straight into the exam room that you just bolted into and restrained enough to not slam the door on.

I don't think I'm going to tell you that part, because guys, that part would be embarrassing.

So, what I was told was basically I'm on steriods for 5 days. I felt much better yesterday and I feel no better this morning. I hope the rest of the three days will be improvement. If I don't have any, I need to call them back. I also have a hernia and some "lumps" that I need to see a surgeon about to evaluate further. I have a surgical consultation on Tuesday afternoon.

That was my visit all in all. I hope, please, let me this medicine work!

I can't believe that it is the one year anniversary of our car accident. To think that in 3 short little days after that terrible day, we would be bringing our new baby boy home for the first time! Reading the entry on Mar 5th, I realize I was probably feeling that way because I was about to go in labor that night!

Sleep. Hallelujah!

I actually slept last night. Ok well it was a little bit yesterday evening and some more early this morning. The point is.... I slept!

We won't mention any pharmasueticals used in the aid of said sleep. (Ok, I took Tylenol PM and above the recommended dosage! Put that in your cake and bake it Tylenol PM people!)

Clearly, I need more sleep.

Nothing much happening today. I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow with a new internal medicine doctor. I'm going to find out if I have a hernia or not and I'm going to find out why my cough is still around, why it was 98% gone with antibiotics, and why it has come back. At least that's what I hope to find out.

What I'm not hoping to find out is that I do have a hernia and that my cough will never, ever, ever, ever go away, amen. I also hope to not find out that I'm fat. Clearly doctors know that this fact must have escaped your knowledge because, well how dare you walk into their office and be overweight?? They must tell you that you are fat. They have to. You don't know it! Or why else would you be the big tub of lard they see before them. You wouldn't. It is as simple as that. So since because I'm so oblivious to the fact that I'm obese, I'm sure that this new doctor will have pity on me and give me"The Paper". You know the one... the golden paper of knowledge. The paper that will forever and always change your life. The powerful, almighty paper of truth and enlightenment of which you have never before seen the likes of such wisdom in your life, paper. The paper that says to stay between 1000-15000 calories a day and to exercise 3-5 times a week.

Yes! I shall hold "The Paper" of all greatness in my fat, chubby little hands. Then, I will pay the doctor for helping me see the error of my gluttonous ways, go home, look over The Paper and.....

............ feel like an even big, fat, piggy, failure.


So, anyone want to go to the doc's with me??