So along with my new beginning in relationships, I have a new beginning at work. I'm going to be training at the Front Desk which I think I'm totally going to love. I hope so at any rate. I'm looking forward to getting out from under what I'm doing and learning something new.
Go me!
Friday, March 29, 2013
Thursday, March 28, 2013
Finally Over
So I'm officially a divorced woman. I never thought I would have gotten a divorce but I guess that is the natural state of mind when you get married. I don't think anyone goes into marriage thinking they are going to get divorced. I certainly didn't.
14 and a half years to the day and it's over. I can't say that it was the wrong choice and I definitely can't say it was the right one either. I'm still pretty confused over it all. On one hand, I think that this is what I need. I need a fresh start and a new sense of independence. On the other hand, it's so hard. So very hard. It's the death of a marriage. It's a huge failure and I had my part in that demise. There are so many things that are beginning to change now and I find that I miss things I never noticed that I loved before. It's going to be so hard to live without those things.
It's true, I fell in love with another man who I'm not entirely sure loves me back. Judge if you will, most people do. I know I judge myself. I know society judges me not only because I had an emotional affair but because this man that turned my head from my marriage is in prison. Just the sugar on top.
I've written many posts, loving posts, about my now ex-husband and it is bittersweet to read them again. I still love him. He didn't deserve a wife who fell in love with someone else even though we both had our parts in running our marriage into a ditch. He's a good man and an even better father and I love him. I just needed more. I feel selfish for that.
So.... maybe this is a new start. Maybe J is the man that I want and need and maybe he isn't. Who knows, there could be someone else out there. Only time will tell, and hopefully heal.
14 and a half years to the day and it's over. I can't say that it was the wrong choice and I definitely can't say it was the right one either. I'm still pretty confused over it all. On one hand, I think that this is what I need. I need a fresh start and a new sense of independence. On the other hand, it's so hard. So very hard. It's the death of a marriage. It's a huge failure and I had my part in that demise. There are so many things that are beginning to change now and I find that I miss things I never noticed that I loved before. It's going to be so hard to live without those things.
It's true, I fell in love with another man who I'm not entirely sure loves me back. Judge if you will, most people do. I know I judge myself. I know society judges me not only because I had an emotional affair but because this man that turned my head from my marriage is in prison. Just the sugar on top.
I've written many posts, loving posts, about my now ex-husband and it is bittersweet to read them again. I still love him. He didn't deserve a wife who fell in love with someone else even though we both had our parts in running our marriage into a ditch. He's a good man and an even better father and I love him. I just needed more. I feel selfish for that.
So.... maybe this is a new start. Maybe J is the man that I want and need and maybe he isn't. Who knows, there could be someone else out there. Only time will tell, and hopefully heal.
Thursday, March 07, 2013
Dear J,
I can't believe that we have finally met face to face. After 13 months, I looked directly into your eyes and saw your bright and beautiful smile. I was in your arms, and your lips were on mine. How I miss you.
I never thought that our friendship would come to this. Who could see me falling for you? Maybe if I had known, I would have ran screaming the other way. It's what I should have done but I couldn't know then just how much you would come to mean to me.
Maybe I should still run, and make sure that I pick the safer choice. Maybe... so many maybe questions hanging in my mind. Am I making a mistake? Could we have a future? Are you going to be stable? Passion always fades, so really, how important is it in the long run?
It's not just passion I feel for you. It's everything. It's wanting to be there for you. Wanting to be that light you once called me at the end of your dark tunnel. I want to show you how much I can love you and in return be loved by you. You are so easy to love even if the circumstances are harder than anything I could have imagined. Somehow though, my heart tells me that you are worth it.
I've made so many mistakes and I don't want to make any more. I'm scared of all the mistakes I have made. I hope you aren't another one. I have eternal hope that things will work out the way they are meant to work out and that it means some sort of future with you.
I love you endlessly and I may be a fool for doing so but let me be a fool then. I miss you. I miss your kisses, your hugs, your beautiful brown eyes looking at me.
Until we can be together again, you are always in my thoughts.
Your Jenny
I never thought that our friendship would come to this. Who could see me falling for you? Maybe if I had known, I would have ran screaming the other way. It's what I should have done but I couldn't know then just how much you would come to mean to me.
Maybe I should still run, and make sure that I pick the safer choice. Maybe... so many maybe questions hanging in my mind. Am I making a mistake? Could we have a future? Are you going to be stable? Passion always fades, so really, how important is it in the long run?
It's not just passion I feel for you. It's everything. It's wanting to be there for you. Wanting to be that light you once called me at the end of your dark tunnel. I want to show you how much I can love you and in return be loved by you. You are so easy to love even if the circumstances are harder than anything I could have imagined. Somehow though, my heart tells me that you are worth it.
I've made so many mistakes and I don't want to make any more. I'm scared of all the mistakes I have made. I hope you aren't another one. I have eternal hope that things will work out the way they are meant to work out and that it means some sort of future with you.
I love you endlessly and I may be a fool for doing so but let me be a fool then. I miss you. I miss your kisses, your hugs, your beautiful brown eyes looking at me.
Until we can be together again, you are always in my thoughts.
Your Jenny
Tuesday, January 01, 2013
A New Year
So here we are again, seeing the coming of a new year. It all feels so hopeful doesn't it? Sort of like a clean slate. It's page one of a 365 page Chapter called 2013.
That sounds inspiring doesn't it?
I don't feel inspired. Ugh. I should just cut this entry short since I really can't think of much to say. Last year was the best year of my life and it was the worst year of my life. I met an amazing man I fell in love with however I was still married to an amazing man that I wasn't in love with. What can I say? I made mistakes. I fell in love, got hurt and hurt someone in return. Karma is definitely a bitch when you have it coming to you.
So hopefully this year will be a new slate for me. It can't possibly be any more wonderful or awful than last year.
Famous last words?
That sounds inspiring doesn't it?
I don't feel inspired. Ugh. I should just cut this entry short since I really can't think of much to say. Last year was the best year of my life and it was the worst year of my life. I met an amazing man I fell in love with however I was still married to an amazing man that I wasn't in love with. What can I say? I made mistakes. I fell in love, got hurt and hurt someone in return. Karma is definitely a bitch when you have it coming to you.
So hopefully this year will be a new slate for me. It can't possibly be any more wonderful or awful than last year.
Famous last words?
Thursday, December 27, 2012
Dear J,
I heard from your Mom today and my heart skipped a beat. Somehow talking to her brings me closer to you. Do you know that? I couldn't help myself from asking her how you were doing. I knew I shouldn't have. I should have left you out of our conversation but how can I not be curious how you are? I miss you and you are on my mind constantly.
I wish I could purge you from my system. I wish I didn't love you. I wish I could feel the way that you do. You know the whole "I'm okay without you but yeah we're friends". I just can't do it.
J, it's not over for me. How pathetic is that? How pathetic that talking to your Mom makes me hopeful that I'll hear from you soon? I love you and I don't know when I will stop. I need to stop.
You brought me such joy. Like no other man. I thank you for that. I'm grateful for showing me myself through your eyes. I realize now that I need to look at myself in that same way. To see the amazing, sexy, gorgeous woman that you saw. You changed your mind about us, but I never changed being me. I am still that girl. I need to know it without you to show it to me.
I don't know what I miss most about you. Your voice, the letters, the sweet way you had with me. Maybe all of the above. It's not over for me. It's just not over.
I miss you. I love you. I'll always be your Jenny.
I wish I could purge you from my system. I wish I didn't love you. I wish I could feel the way that you do. You know the whole "I'm okay without you but yeah we're friends". I just can't do it.
J, it's not over for me. How pathetic is that? How pathetic that talking to your Mom makes me hopeful that I'll hear from you soon? I love you and I don't know when I will stop. I need to stop.
You brought me such joy. Like no other man. I thank you for that. I'm grateful for showing me myself through your eyes. I realize now that I need to look at myself in that same way. To see the amazing, sexy, gorgeous woman that you saw. You changed your mind about us, but I never changed being me. I am still that girl. I need to know it without you to show it to me.
I don't know what I miss most about you. Your voice, the letters, the sweet way you had with me. Maybe all of the above. It's not over for me. It's just not over.
I miss you. I love you. I'll always be your Jenny.
Saturday, November 24, 2012
Working, working...
So I'm on a 6 day work week. I'm working 6 days in a row but unfortunately for my paycheck those six days fall into two different pay periods so no extra cash, just all the extra work. I'm drained.
Nothing exceptional has happened but such is my life and I really kind of like it that way. I'm not into the whole drama and managing constant crisis' coming my way. I like quiet. Normal. Predictable.
Thanksgiving was me and the husband working so we didn't actually have a Thanksgiving dinner. We're going to do that probably this coming Tuesday, when we both have a day off from work that falls on the same day.
So I guess I have kind of forgotten already about this blog. I'm not in the habit yet. Hopefully soon. I'm also having trouble with exactly how much of my life, feelings and events to share with you. I've always believed that being totally honest was the best way to write a journal. I mean, if you're going to read it to look back on the months/years of your past, it's obvious that you should be as honest and open as possible to truly remember the way things were. Self discovery can only come from being honest.
I just have had a lot in my life the last year, and not all of it is necessarily something that I've shared with anyone. Maybe some of it is hard to share because I don't end up looking good in the story. I don't know. I want to write about it. I want this to be a place I can share it but there's so much judgement online. You open yourself up to haters, judgmental people, and criticism. I'm not the type of person that handles all that too well. Most people don't.
I just don't know.. I need more time to think it over.
Nothing exceptional has happened but such is my life and I really kind of like it that way. I'm not into the whole drama and managing constant crisis' coming my way. I like quiet. Normal. Predictable.
Thanksgiving was me and the husband working so we didn't actually have a Thanksgiving dinner. We're going to do that probably this coming Tuesday, when we both have a day off from work that falls on the same day.
So I guess I have kind of forgotten already about this blog. I'm not in the habit yet. Hopefully soon. I'm also having trouble with exactly how much of my life, feelings and events to share with you. I've always believed that being totally honest was the best way to write a journal. I mean, if you're going to read it to look back on the months/years of your past, it's obvious that you should be as honest and open as possible to truly remember the way things were. Self discovery can only come from being honest.
I just have had a lot in my life the last year, and not all of it is necessarily something that I've shared with anyone. Maybe some of it is hard to share because I don't end up looking good in the story. I don't know. I want to write about it. I want this to be a place I can share it but there's so much judgement online. You open yourself up to haters, judgmental people, and criticism. I'm not the type of person that handles all that too well. Most people don't.
I just don't know.. I need more time to think it over.
Wednesday, November 14, 2012
I don't wanna go to school Mommy
I don't want to head down the mountain to go to school tonight. I want to curl up under the covers, stay warm, and watching Netflix. Unfortunately, I know that we are going over the second half of chapter 14 in my Psychology class and I can't really miss something like that. So, off to school I'll go.
My Intro to Psychology class is pretty awesome. I'm already interested in the subject matter but my teacher just makes it so much more fun in learning it. I love teachers that have that gift of making dry text and subject matter seem interesting and fun. Why can't all teachers be that way? I really lucked out with him too because when I picked the class, I had no idea about any of the teachers. His first name is Jeremy and I figured that was a relatively "modern" name so maybe he might not be an 80 year old profession of Dull and Boring. Turns out, my logic was right. He's fabulous.
I have to take Himself to work. We only have one car so in order for me to get to class, I have to take him into work. It sucks having to drive all the way into town, then come home, then drive all the way down the mountain again.
At least I finished my homework in time! Alright, speaking of time. I should start to get ready to head out. Just when I was starting to get warm too... the man has built a fire and things are finally getting toasty.
My Intro to Psychology class is pretty awesome. I'm already interested in the subject matter but my teacher just makes it so much more fun in learning it. I love teachers that have that gift of making dry text and subject matter seem interesting and fun. Why can't all teachers be that way? I really lucked out with him too because when I picked the class, I had no idea about any of the teachers. His first name is Jeremy and I figured that was a relatively "modern" name so maybe he might not be an 80 year old profession of Dull and Boring. Turns out, my logic was right. He's fabulous.
I have to take Himself to work. We only have one car so in order for me to get to class, I have to take him into work. It sucks having to drive all the way into town, then come home, then drive all the way down the mountain again.
At least I finished my homework in time! Alright, speaking of time. I should start to get ready to head out. Just when I was starting to get warm too... the man has built a fire and things are finally getting toasty.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)