So along with my new beginning in relationships, I have a new beginning at work. I'm going to be training at the Front Desk which I think I'm totally going to love. I hope so at any rate. I'm looking forward to getting out from under what I'm doing and learning something new.
Go me!
Friday, March 29, 2013
Thursday, March 28, 2013
Finally Over
So I'm officially a divorced woman. I never thought I would have gotten a divorce but I guess that is the natural state of mind when you get married. I don't think anyone goes into marriage thinking they are going to get divorced. I certainly didn't.
14 and a half years to the day and it's over. I can't say that it was the wrong choice and I definitely can't say it was the right one either. I'm still pretty confused over it all. On one hand, I think that this is what I need. I need a fresh start and a new sense of independence. On the other hand, it's so hard. So very hard. It's the death of a marriage. It's a huge failure and I had my part in that demise. There are so many things that are beginning to change now and I find that I miss things I never noticed that I loved before. It's going to be so hard to live without those things.
It's true, I fell in love with another man who I'm not entirely sure loves me back. Judge if you will, most people do. I know I judge myself. I know society judges me not only because I had an emotional affair but because this man that turned my head from my marriage is in prison. Just the sugar on top.
I've written many posts, loving posts, about my now ex-husband and it is bittersweet to read them again. I still love him. He didn't deserve a wife who fell in love with someone else even though we both had our parts in running our marriage into a ditch. He's a good man and an even better father and I love him. I just needed more. I feel selfish for that.
So.... maybe this is a new start. Maybe J is the man that I want and need and maybe he isn't. Who knows, there could be someone else out there. Only time will tell, and hopefully heal.
14 and a half years to the day and it's over. I can't say that it was the wrong choice and I definitely can't say it was the right one either. I'm still pretty confused over it all. On one hand, I think that this is what I need. I need a fresh start and a new sense of independence. On the other hand, it's so hard. So very hard. It's the death of a marriage. It's a huge failure and I had my part in that demise. There are so many things that are beginning to change now and I find that I miss things I never noticed that I loved before. It's going to be so hard to live without those things.
It's true, I fell in love with another man who I'm not entirely sure loves me back. Judge if you will, most people do. I know I judge myself. I know society judges me not only because I had an emotional affair but because this man that turned my head from my marriage is in prison. Just the sugar on top.
I've written many posts, loving posts, about my now ex-husband and it is bittersweet to read them again. I still love him. He didn't deserve a wife who fell in love with someone else even though we both had our parts in running our marriage into a ditch. He's a good man and an even better father and I love him. I just needed more. I feel selfish for that.
So.... maybe this is a new start. Maybe J is the man that I want and need and maybe he isn't. Who knows, there could be someone else out there. Only time will tell, and hopefully heal.
Thursday, March 07, 2013
Dear J,
I can't believe that we have finally met face to face. After 13 months, I looked directly into your eyes and saw your bright and beautiful smile. I was in your arms, and your lips were on mine. How I miss you.
I never thought that our friendship would come to this. Who could see me falling for you? Maybe if I had known, I would have ran screaming the other way. It's what I should have done but I couldn't know then just how much you would come to mean to me.
Maybe I should still run, and make sure that I pick the safer choice. Maybe... so many maybe questions hanging in my mind. Am I making a mistake? Could we have a future? Are you going to be stable? Passion always fades, so really, how important is it in the long run?
It's not just passion I feel for you. It's everything. It's wanting to be there for you. Wanting to be that light you once called me at the end of your dark tunnel. I want to show you how much I can love you and in return be loved by you. You are so easy to love even if the circumstances are harder than anything I could have imagined. Somehow though, my heart tells me that you are worth it.
I've made so many mistakes and I don't want to make any more. I'm scared of all the mistakes I have made. I hope you aren't another one. I have eternal hope that things will work out the way they are meant to work out and that it means some sort of future with you.
I love you endlessly and I may be a fool for doing so but let me be a fool then. I miss you. I miss your kisses, your hugs, your beautiful brown eyes looking at me.
Until we can be together again, you are always in my thoughts.
Your Jenny
I never thought that our friendship would come to this. Who could see me falling for you? Maybe if I had known, I would have ran screaming the other way. It's what I should have done but I couldn't know then just how much you would come to mean to me.
Maybe I should still run, and make sure that I pick the safer choice. Maybe... so many maybe questions hanging in my mind. Am I making a mistake? Could we have a future? Are you going to be stable? Passion always fades, so really, how important is it in the long run?
It's not just passion I feel for you. It's everything. It's wanting to be there for you. Wanting to be that light you once called me at the end of your dark tunnel. I want to show you how much I can love you and in return be loved by you. You are so easy to love even if the circumstances are harder than anything I could have imagined. Somehow though, my heart tells me that you are worth it.
I've made so many mistakes and I don't want to make any more. I'm scared of all the mistakes I have made. I hope you aren't another one. I have eternal hope that things will work out the way they are meant to work out and that it means some sort of future with you.
I love you endlessly and I may be a fool for doing so but let me be a fool then. I miss you. I miss your kisses, your hugs, your beautiful brown eyes looking at me.
Until we can be together again, you are always in my thoughts.
Your Jenny
Tuesday, January 01, 2013
A New Year
So here we are again, seeing the coming of a new year. It all feels so hopeful doesn't it? Sort of like a clean slate. It's page one of a 365 page Chapter called 2013.
That sounds inspiring doesn't it?
I don't feel inspired. Ugh. I should just cut this entry short since I really can't think of much to say. Last year was the best year of my life and it was the worst year of my life. I met an amazing man I fell in love with however I was still married to an amazing man that I wasn't in love with. What can I say? I made mistakes. I fell in love, got hurt and hurt someone in return. Karma is definitely a bitch when you have it coming to you.
So hopefully this year will be a new slate for me. It can't possibly be any more wonderful or awful than last year.
Famous last words?
That sounds inspiring doesn't it?
I don't feel inspired. Ugh. I should just cut this entry short since I really can't think of much to say. Last year was the best year of my life and it was the worst year of my life. I met an amazing man I fell in love with however I was still married to an amazing man that I wasn't in love with. What can I say? I made mistakes. I fell in love, got hurt and hurt someone in return. Karma is definitely a bitch when you have it coming to you.
So hopefully this year will be a new slate for me. It can't possibly be any more wonderful or awful than last year.
Famous last words?
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