Well last night I took the first steps towards weightloss again for the first time since October I believe. I hope it is a start. I joined a similar version of eDiets but with Denise Austin. I'm pretty familiar with her and it cost the same amount and I got one step further of customized fitness routines.
The Hunk and I had a two hour discussion on my weight, my issues and his thoughts and feelings about the entire thing. I hadn't slept all night long so needless to say I was a bit raw and emotional. Thank goodness he was very understanding, loving, and honest. The best thing about the entire conversation is that he said my weight will never keep him from loving me. I believe him too. At least I know in my head he isn't lying to me.
I have had so many thoughts about weight that I should of had a pad of paper and a pen in there with me. I know the entry could go on forever. I've had so many thoughts. Mainly, since seeing a show on Oprah where she had this set of twins, one being 120 lbs. and the other 420 lbs. I can't stop thinking about weightloss.
The overweight woman's 13 year old son was on there talking about his mother's weight and how it affects him. It was a smack in the face to me. I have always felt so bad knowing that my weight can/will affect the Kidlet. I've been so worried about his friends teasing him because he has a fat mom. How vain I was. VAIN. For me, the horrible reality of being overweight is being ugly. I feel ugly. I look ugly. Naturally I put that off on the Kidlet that he too would only see my weight as making me ugly and an embarrassment to him around his friends. It never occured to me that he could grow up and really be afraid for my health and my life. That he could silently pray his mom doesn't die. That he, more than myself, could realize the mortality aspect of being obese. That isn't my reality of being fat. My reality is that I can't fit into cute clothes and my face has a double chin and that I think I look like a big and worry about what other people think I look like. His possible reality is growing up to not have his mother share his life.
That 13 year old boy only wanted his mom to lose the weight to live. Not because he wanted a "hot" mom. He cried on the show and I just saw the Kidlet's face 7 years from now. It hit horribly close to home and was so real that I have been afraid to think about it and unable to do anything but think about it.
Also, something Oprah said on that show... something to the effect of being overweight is just an excuse not to live your life. You stand on the sidelines and watch it go by. It doesn't require you to engage in people, events, activities or anything. That seemed to feel true of me. No one expects or requires anything of me. Even myself. I don't have to play physical games with the kids because I'm physically unable. I can sit in the middle of the floor and let them play around me but I'm not really engaged in wanting to take them to the park and run around chasing a ball or anything. I can laugh and joke that my toddler keeps me on my toes but in reality, not really. Sure I may have to chase him a little bit to keep him out of things, and I may have to pick him up pretty regularly but.... it's nothing that I would say I'm getting any sort of phsyical benefit from because I'm still gaining weight.
I was talking to the Hunk and trying to figure out what in my past (or even currently) is keeping me fat. You don't get to be 300 lbs (not an actual number but darn near close) by only being lazy. It isn't just what you are eating either. It is what is eating you. I told him I didn't get to be this weight (twice even) just because I'm unmotivated. Something is keeping me this way and I need to fix it. I have a pretty good idea of all the issues I have from childhood and now but I don't know how to move past them. I don't know how to deal with the feelings I have regarding it all. He seems to think that I'm just trying to dig into my past to find more excuses not to just start doing what I need to do. That sounds rather harsh but he was really quite understanding (as understanding as someone who has never had to deal with weight all thier life can be) about it. I told him I wasn't trying to find excuses but, I lost 60 lbs. already and I have not kept it off.
I told him I believed that as sick as it sounds, I think I'm punishing myself for gaining the weight back by staying fat. Maybe somewhere I don't feel I deserve to have it off because I couldn't be good enough to keep it off. Even when I had lost the weight I always felt like such a fraud because I ate horribly, I just ate a lot less. I always felt like I shouldn't be losing because I wasn't doing everything right. Maybe I gained the weight back because I never felt like I should of lost it in the first place. I mean you can't 'fraud' yourself into losing 60 lbs. That's real and an accomplishment but I just didn't feel that way at the time. I'm sure there was more to that feeling than just not doing everything right but at the time that is what I focused on.
I told him that this should be the easy part. The second time around should be the easy part because I know I can be successful. I know that I can lose 60 lbs because I've done it before. I know that it will take hard work but that the hard work will payoff. I know that nothing bad can come from exercising. When I went to say, "...and I know that I will feel good about myself..." I choked and lost it. I couldn't even get the words out. I choked on them. I started crying my eyes out. It felt like a revelation in that I don't want to feel good about myself. Not in that poor me, I'm so horrible way but in that I finally admitted to myself that I honestly believe I don't deserve to feel good about myself way. I have always thought I deserved to be happy. I mean I'm like anyone else. We all deserve to be happy. Yet here I am, unable to say that I should even feel good about myself.
I don't know what to do with that. I don't know how to change that, turn off the internal dialogue that got by some pivitol people in my life and that I have continued on for them. I keep thinking that I need to see a counselor but unfortunately insurance will not pay for it which kind of leads me to I guess the secondary piece of news (after all that weight talk) of what is going on around here. The Hunk probably (if offered the right salary), hopefully has the new job. He had a great interview and the guy said he really wants him to be apart of his team. He's given him his recommendation to a second guy he needs to interview with on Monday. Things look hopefull so please keep your fingers crossed.
The Kidlet had his last day of school yesterday and on Tuesday they had this little awards ceremony. I have pictures of that and of the Wee One helping Daddy under Mama's desk that I need to post on their site as well. Hopefully I'll get to that sometime today.
3 comments:
all fo that self-realization, that's the first step. it's a HUGE FREAKING STEP. you can do it again, and (as i don't think you're planning more babies) you can KEEP going. we'll all be here to support you and be your counselors. maybe you could venture back to MiM? plus you have sarah, who has two babies as well, and can really help you. resurrect skinny bitches! yay! anyways, i know that was really hard to do and i'm glad you made it out ok and you really want to do this again. eventually, you'll believe that you deserve it. :)
You can do this hon! And you do have me, all the way, for anything *hugs*
Hey Jennah, so glad to see you posting regularly again. You were a huge inspiration to me before, and you continue to be an inspiration with your honesty. I just want you to know that I lost 65 pounds too and I gained it all back, and it ISN'T necessarily easier the second time around. I keep thinking, gosh, I have to do this all OVER again, and I think that holds me back. Anyway, just wanted to say hi and let you know I'm a long time reader!
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