Beautiful Life

Sometimes it takes reading an entry that someone writes to show you something in your own life. I really do have a beautiful life. I think I forget that so often in the anxiety of bills and finances, in the worries of children and with the struggles to make a marriage work when it was put on such rocky ground.

My husband is amazing. I love this man, completely and utterly and I get choked up even just saying that because there was a time when I didn’t know if I would ever be able to say that again. I was so angry for the pain that he caused our family, not only in the present but everything that I thought would be my future. I felt robbed. Robbed of the love I had for a man who I thought he was but really didn’t exist anymore and robbed of the ideal image I had of my marriage and future.

Well he’s worked so hard to become more than his mistake. He is more than that mistake. Are things perfect? No but they weren’t ever intended to be perfect because we are both human and we’re flawed. But it’s good. It’s really, really good. I feel so proud of my marriage because I have fought damn near tooth and nail for it. It means so much more knowing that we hung in there together even when ‘together’ was so painful and bitter. It wasn’t just all his mistake either. I know I played my own part, not necessarily in his addiction but in letting myself get so dependant on another human being for everything. Mentally, emotionally, physically… he was my entire universe and I could not function without him. I’m not in that place anymore. I can drive anywhere I need to, I can get a job, I can take care of my kids if I had to. I’ve worked very hard to make sure that I’m not as dependant on him and only with him because there are no other options. I’m with him because I want to be with him. We’ve both done a great amount of growing in the last year and a half.

My boys. I really can’t say enough about them. They drive me so nuts and I never ever thought that I could get so angry at people so small, but I love them. The thought that anything could happen to them, that they could be taken from me… it gives me anxiety thinking about it. I see their personalities and how they have grown and the funny things they do and say and I can’t even imagine my life without them. For the longest time through my teens and into my early 20’s I didn’t want children. I didn’t want the responsibility, I didn’t want the pain of labor, and I didn’t want to be tied down. I just wanted to have a life of my own and not be responsible for anyone else. Sometimes I do daydream about what it would be like to have that kind of life but I know that I would not be fullfilled. I know that I was ment to be their Mom. I don’t always feel like a good Mom but somehow they were ment for me.

I have wonderful friends, in the physical and on the internet who support me and love me. Carebear and I worked out today to a ‘boot camp’ style exercise and it was so hard! We were huffing and puffing and I let out a few curse words a time or two and I normally don’t swear, especially in front of my kids and there I was. We kept egging each other on to keep going even when I think we were near dying and falling flat on our faces. It felt amazing to have accomplished it though. Afterward we did a 30 minute stretch tape and couldn’t stop laughing at our own inflexibility and how easy the instructor made it look. I was really proud of the both of us for doing it. More proud of Carebear because she was so tired and just wanted to go home and relax but she pushed herself to do what was best for her body and I think she was really proud that she did as well.

So I was looking through my Weight Watchers organizer and I found some old pictures of me. Some are when JT was about a year old and I was at one of my highest non-pregnancy weights. A few others were from my bridal shower which didn’t have me at an all time high weight but bigger than what I am now. I showed them to Carebear and she said she really saw a difference. I also looked at my weight tracker from January when I thought I was going to be joining again and realized that I’ve lost 18 lbs. since then. I’m so stoked! As a congrats on my near first 20 lbs. Carebear bought me a dress I was drooling over in Walmart.

You’re going to just have to forgive the hair. It’s bloody hot and equally humid. Never a good combination for fabulous hair. I do look rather fabulous in my new dress though.





It makes me look like I actually have boobs! It’s made from a very stretchy soft fabric and I love it. Thank you Carebear!

I have more to talk about involving the kids, particularly Hunter and the woes that I’m facing with his picky eating but I’m dead tired. I’m already sore and that usually isn’t supposed to settle in until the day after working out, or more in my case the second day!