Sizzle!

Today I decided that I would workout to Denise Austin's Sizzler from her "Hit The Spot" series.

When I bought this VHS tape (was it really that long ago? VHS seems prehistoric now!) I was 284 lbs. It nearly killed me to workout to it. I even remember crying during workouts, imagining I was killing Denise Austin, hating myself for allowing my body to go so horribly out of shape (not that I was ever in any kind of shape but you know..). I remember all the parts I couldn't do and just had to march in place to keep from passing out. Eventually, as the year wore on and the more I used the tape as well as her former Lifetime Network exercise shows, it got easier. It was never by any stretch of the imagination "easy" but it got easier.

I wondered if I would have that same experience this time. I may be 50 lbs. lighter than I was when I very first started using the tape, but I'm by no means in shape. I haven't exercised with any regularity since 2005. I live a sedentary life to the fullest. I lay down and I read a lot, or I watch teevee a lot. I had no clue how this workout was going to affect me. I just knew that it gave me results. I remember (because I read it on my old journal, lol) the day I realized I actually had shoulders. That may seem like a weird thing, of course you know yo have shoulders, but... that day I realized that they were more sculpted and that it wasn't just a shelf that my head was on. My purse strap slipped off my shoulder a lot less and my bra strap left a much lighter indention. Little things began to become apparent that I was reshaping my body. Even the fact that I had more lace to tie my shoes because my feet were less fat and swollen.

I put on the tape today and I remembered all the exercises (and how much I don't like them) but I kept going. I had to march in place a few times but overall it didn't seem like the device of torture it used to be. It was still rough, and I sweated a bucket, but that's how exercise should be. My heart was beating out of my chest but the video didn't seem to last as long as I thought it did. It's 45 minutes which is a good long time but it seemed shorter to me. I did the workout without weights as I didn't think the first time it would be good to add more onto what I was already starting out with but I might add 1 lb. weights the next time I do it. That is, if I can find the other 1 lb. weight I have.

I am really proud of myself that I didn't allow the day I took off yesterday to turn into 2 days, 2 weeks, months, years ect. like I have been for the longest time. I was proud that Carebear got her workout in too when I know that she's had an exhaustive week physically and emotionally. I feel so supported this time around by someone who *knows* exactly what I'm going through. My husband can love me unconditionally and can be there to encourage me but he is not the type of guy to workout with me. He doesn't want to go for walks because he's on his feet all day with work constantly. He's more of the "I'll be happy for you and tell you what a great job your doing" kind of supporter. Carebear gets me. She gets how hard it is to lose weight and she gets all the feelings of unworthiness, ugliness and loneliness that goes along with it. She understands wanting to look beautiful for her man and how it's not about being a skinny minny but a desirable woman who feels on the inside the way she looks on the outside but only in a positive way. All of our plans and talks that we have been making and having have really left me with a feeling of hope for really the first time in 4 years. I am just... so excited.

I hope my first official 'weigh-in' goes well because if I gain... I don't know how I could handle that kind of disappointment after all these great feelings! I just keep telling myself that the number, whatever it is, can change for the better. I know that I will be able to handle whatever the number is because I know that I'm doing all the right things, so after I get over the initial sadness I'll pick myself back up. I just want it to be a good number. Who doesn't? LOL.

Ok I really must take a shower. I'm funkay! And not in that good kind of way.

Later, Cookies!