So I'm officially a divorced woman. I never thought I would have gotten a divorce but I guess that is the natural state of mind when you get married. I don't think anyone goes into marriage thinking they are going to get divorced. I certainly didn't.
14 and a half years to the day and it's over. I can't say that it was the wrong choice and I definitely can't say it was the right one either. I'm still pretty confused over it all. On one hand, I think that this is what I need. I need a fresh start and a new sense of independence. On the other hand, it's so hard. So very hard. It's the death of a marriage. It's a huge failure and I had my part in that demise. There are so many things that are beginning to change now and I find that I miss things I never noticed that I loved before. It's going to be so hard to live without those things.
It's true, I fell in love with another man who I'm not entirely sure loves me back. Judge if you will, most people do. I know I judge myself. I know society judges me not only because I had an emotional affair but because this man that turned my head from my marriage is in prison. Just the sugar on top.
I've written many posts, loving posts, about my now ex-husband and it is bittersweet to read them again. I still love him. He didn't deserve a wife who fell in love with someone else even though we both had our parts in running our marriage into a ditch. He's a good man and an even better father and I love him. I just needed more. I feel selfish for that.
So.... maybe this is a new start. Maybe J is the man that I want and need and maybe he isn't. Who knows, there could be someone else out there. Only time will tell, and hopefully heal.
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