You can't see it but the skull and cross bones have a Santa hat, and it says "Naughty".
Cujo (did I mention that was his name?) got fixed yesterday. He's doing fine and came through the procedure really well. They gave us some pain medication for him and let me tell you, those pills are HUGE. They have to be cut in half and I'm supposed to give him half a pill a day. A whole day! That's some strong pain medication. I wonder how well it works on humans.... just kidding!
Work has been completely hectic. I've been training at the Service Desk since Thursday. On Sunday I opened by myself. I was pretty scared to do it but as it turns out, it wasn't as hard as I thought. In fact, it's much easier to open the Service Desk than it is to close it. Yesterday, I was scheduled to close with someone there to train me on the exact closing procedures but they called in sick. Lucky me! Still though, they allowed me to close the Service Desk and I had the help of the Photo Lab person (who is also trained in Guest Service) and another co-worker so I wasn't entirely alone. I thought that it was pretty cool that they trusted me to do it though instead of putting me on a lane to cashier and letting photo lab and the other guest service person to take over. All in all, I think that I did a damn good job. There was no mess at all when I left and very few things left to do. Damn! I just remember that I didn't do the vendor pickup stuff. Grr. Oh well, I'm learning right?
Things with the Hunk still aren't so good. We're at a point where I'm sure most people who don't know what's going on, well, wouldn't know anything was going on. Our masks are really well crafted. At least I'd like to think so... we get along on the surface and even have days where it almost feels normal again. Then something will remind me and...the rage inside consumes me and I'm upset all over again. We are co-existing as room mates I guess.
I wrote an email to a friend, and although I can't disclose all of what I said, there are parts that best describes how I feel about things right now:
"I wouldn’t get out of bed if I had the choice. I hate having to go to work but it is the only income we have and I have to do it. I hate having to leave my kids with the Hunk because I can’t trust him. I’m driving to work now so that he won’t have a car but really… what does that do? .... I feel like the world’s biggest fool. I don’t even know what my husband is doing while I’m out of the house.It’s hard being at work too. I hear my co-workers talking about their amazing husbands and I’m angry because I used to feel like I had one too. Maybe that is why this is all happening. I had such pride in the easy marriage that I had. Sure, we had problems but the Hunk was like a golden boy compared to others. He worked hard so I could stay home, he put up with my shit (which you know is no easy thing!) and he’s always been kind to me and never treated me badly. I’m just so angry and bitter that I don’t have the husband I used to have. That I don’t have the marriage I used to have and that I can’t call my husband wonderful or amazing or the world’s greatest. I know I shouldn’t feel this way but… I do.. ugh.
It’s taken me a long time to write this email because it’s been hard to admit it all to myself, just how upsetting my life has gotten. I mean, life could be worse. I know it could and I’m thankful that I have a home, and that my boys are healthy and that I have a job. That’s not really what I’m talking about but the emotional health of my family… it’s just gone. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to trust the Hunk again. I don’t know if I’ll even have a 10 year anniversary and I tear up (like now) every time I think about that. I’ve been in love with this man for more than a decade… it’s not that I can’t start over it’s that I don’t want to. I don’t think I’ll ever have enough to give someone else and I’m not sure I’ll ever have enough to give to him again.
For the first time… I can’t see the future. I don’t know if we’re going to be married next year, or the year after that. I don’t know what is going to happen tomorrow. I used to have such a clear vision of my life. It’s scary and heartbreaking. I used to wonder about the married friends we had, and when they divorced, how did they get to that point? You don’t go into marriage thinking that you will eventually get divorced. You don’t go into a marriage already hating someone enough to divorce them. You are in love and you can see yourself living and being with that person forever. So when does it happen? When do you cross that line that says, “I can’t be with you.” Or “I hate you” or “I don’t want to be married to you anymore”..? I’m in that very position right now and I still can’t tell you how it happens. I don’t know if anyone knows the answer because I don’t think anyone realizes they’ve gotten to that place until they are boom! there. You are kind of left with a “What happened?” sort of feeling.
God, my heart is so broken.
Well I didn't think I would disclose all of that, but I believe in being as truthful as I can on my journal when I decide to actually post. Alright, it's time to get ready for work. Sorry to end on such a downer!
5 comments:
Are you even still on Yahoo or MSN? I have yet to see you on either. :P
PS ~ Cujo is such a cutie. :)
Hey, saw your post; been keeping up with you and wondering how you are. I hear ya on some of what you are feeling. I don't know what happened with you and your husband but I've been having my own struggles here with mine. He lost his job almost two weeks ago (his full-time job) and now the only income that's coming in is what he's bringing in subbing. I guess I should be grateful for that but it's still very stressful when you don't know what the money situation is going to be. I keep thinking maybe I should get a job but not being able to drive myself is getting in the way, especially as we're in a small town. I don't want to interfere with the subbing he could get because that at least pays somewhat decent money but I'm also worried about rent and everything else. Grr. This is the fifth job he's lost in a two year period. Very frustrating.
Anyway, hang in there and feel free to vent if you need to.
I'll bet that those that have the perfect husbands don't really. It's part of being human, and I know, for many of us, we don't talk about the bad. For years no one had clue one that things were not right with my ex. I simply didn't talk about it. I don't say this to gloss over whatever is happening, just don't be hard on yourself because you (and the hunk as well) are human.
Nothing is ever as perfect as it seems.
And that made me sound really, really bitter, didn't it? =]
Girl, why didn't you share any of this with me?! You just let me ramble on about the biz, who cares about a stupid biz when my best friend dis so heartbroken!
*Hugs*
This, this line breaks my heart- " I don’t think I’ll ever have enough to give someone else and I’m not sure I’ll ever have enough to give to him again."
You've been though something huge. It has changed your relationship, your outlook, your life. But it has also made you STRONG. It has made you step up and take action and do things you were scared shitless about. You are driving! You are working again! Taking care of your family in another way then you had been! You have sooo soo much to offer. If it not be with the Hunk it has nothing to do with you, it was him. You are going to horde what you have to give for a while, hold it close, not want to give it because of how the Hunk hurt you and your trust. It does not mean you have nothing/not enough to give someone else (or him one day), it just means you will be slow to give and leery and that is more than understandable and anyone you enter a relationship with, including the Hunk as I feel you'll have to develop a whole new relationship, will have to understand that with what you've gone through. if they don't understand that and are not patient with you, they aren't worth your time or everything you have to give them.
Love you hon, if you need me I'm always here.
Post a Comment