Dear J,

I heard from your Mom today and my heart skipped a beat. Somehow talking to her brings me closer to you. Do you know that? I couldn't help myself from asking her how you were doing. I knew I shouldn't have. I should have left you out of our conversation but how can I not be curious how you are? I miss you and you are on my mind constantly.

I wish I could purge you from my system. I wish I didn't love you. I wish I could feel the way that you do. You know the whole "I'm okay without you but yeah we're friends". I just can't do it.

J, it's not over for me. How pathetic is that? How pathetic that talking to your Mom makes me hopeful that I'll hear from you soon? I love you and I don't know when I will stop. I need to stop.

You brought me such joy. Like no other man. I thank you for that. I'm grateful for showing me myself through your eyes. I realize now that I need to look at myself in that same way. To see the amazing, sexy, gorgeous woman that you saw. You changed your mind about us, but I never changed being me. I am still that girl. I need to know it without you to show it to me.

I don't know what I miss most about you. Your voice, the letters, the sweet way you had with me. Maybe all of the above. It's not over for me. It's just not over.

I miss you. I love you. I'll always be your Jenny.

Working, working...

So I'm on a 6 day work week. I'm working 6 days in a row but unfortunately for my paycheck those six days fall into two different pay periods so no extra cash, just all the extra work. I'm drained.

Nothing exceptional has happened  but such is my life and I really kind of like it that way. I'm not into the whole drama and managing constant crisis' coming my way. I like quiet. Normal. Predictable.

Thanksgiving was me and the husband working so we didn't actually have a Thanksgiving dinner. We're going to do that probably this coming Tuesday, when we both have a day off from work that falls on the same day.

So I guess I have kind of forgotten already about this blog. I'm not in the habit yet. Hopefully soon. I'm also having trouble with exactly how much of my life, feelings and events to share with you. I've always believed that being totally honest was the best way to write a journal. I mean, if you're going to read it to look back on the months/years of your past, it's obvious that you should be as honest and open as possible to truly remember the way things were. Self discovery can only come from being honest.

I just have had a lot in my life the last year, and not all of it is necessarily something that I've shared with anyone. Maybe some of it is hard to share because I don't end up looking good in the story. I don't know. I want to write about it. I want this to be a place I can share it but there's so much judgement online. You open yourself up to haters, judgmental people, and criticism. I'm not the type of person that handles all that too well. Most people don't.

I just don't know.. I need more time to think it over.

I don't wanna go to school Mommy

I don't want to head down the mountain to go to school tonight. I want to curl up under the covers, stay warm, and watching Netflix. Unfortunately, I know that we are going over the second half of chapter 14 in my Psychology class and I can't really miss something like that. So, off to school I'll go.

My Intro to Psychology class is pretty awesome. I'm already interested in the subject matter but my teacher just makes it so much more fun in learning it. I love teachers that have that gift of making dry text and subject matter seem interesting and fun. Why can't all teachers be that way? I really lucked out with him too because when I picked the class, I had no idea about any of the teachers. His first name is Jeremy and I figured that was a relatively "modern" name so maybe he might not be an 80 year old profession of Dull and Boring. Turns out, my logic was right. He's fabulous.

I have to take Himself to work. We only have one car so in order for me to get to class, I have to take him into work. It sucks having to drive all the way into town, then come home, then drive all the way down the mountain again.

At least I finished my homework in time! Alright, speaking of time. I should start to get ready to head out. Just when I was starting to get warm too... the man has built a fire and things are finally getting toasty.

Trying this again?

So I seem to always come back to Blogger for my online diary needs. I've had several of my own domain names and have always preferred WordPress, but when the money runs out, so does the online journal. I'm tired of losing journals. Months... years even, worth of words; of life. I'm sure it would have probably helped if I had backed up my journals but you know, that was smart.

So I'm back to Blogger. As far as free online journals go, I think this is the best one. I used Penzu for a while and it was decent but Blogger just gives you so much more.

I don't really know what direction I want to take this journal in. I have always kept an online journal for my weight loss journey, and when I wasn't trying to lose weight... I didn't seem to have as much motivation to write. Sometimes life seemed interesting or busy enough to share, but not always. So I guess I'll just see where this journal goes. Whatever life or flavor it takes on will remain to be seen.

I'm not sure if anyone will read this journal... and that's not really the point. The point is to document the things going on in my life and to give me a place to reflect. Not only that but I want to look back years from now and really remember what life was like, not what I *think* it was like in a skewed memory.

So here's crossing my fingers that I get back into the whole 'journal' thing.

Offline

I'm going offline for about 3 weeks. I'm losing internet here in a few hours and I've also got a million and one things to do before I go on vacation to see my family. I'll be gone two weeks so I'm just going to say see ya later now and see you guys when I get back!

Play nice!

Independence Day

Today was very fitting that it was Independence Day. Our first official weigh-in landed on today and I'm free from 2 more pounds off my body. Independence from weight! I'm really proud of how I am doing. I'm a bit scared to go on vacation for two weeks right as I'm gaining momentum but I know that it will be okay. I also know that no matter what happens in New Mexico, Carebear is not going to let me get away with not getting back on plan when I return.

And lucky me, I'm going to have text messaging while I'm gone so I'll be able to keep up with her the entire two weeks! You better not fall off the wagon missy! I will totally get Carson on you. And you know I can.

Also speaking of the 4th, my family and Carebear's all went to the local fireworks area here. There had to have been maybe almost 10k people there total. I couldn't get over how many people there were. We had such great seats to the fireworks show that my neck even got tired from looking up. They had patriotic music going through big speakers and it was so cool to watch the show while listening to a compilation of country songs and american-centric music. There was one part that had all these great men in our country's history saying their famous lines from their famous speeches. Kennedy, King, Jr., Roosevelt... I got goosebumps everywhere. So many great leaders have had such beautiful visions for the future of our country. I really felt proud to live in America at that moment. I usually do but it just was such a beautiful feeling to be there with all these people.

Well I'm exhausted, I've done too much walking today! Probably a little more than 2 miles for the round trip. 20 minutes there, 30 minutes back. That's a good 50 minute walking workout!

Four days and counting

So I have four days of exercise and counting. I'm pretty proud of myself! I've been doing Biggest Loser BootCamp when Carebear comes over about once or twice a week and the other days I have done Denise Austin's Sizzler. I'm not exactly loving Sizzler, but it's something that makes me sweaty, heart racing, and where I get to use light weights (as of today I added them). It's also my old 'stand by'. Something I know works. I have other biggest loser videos that I can do but they are harder and without someone here pushing me to get through the workout I tend to shy away from them. Denise Austin is about what I can handle for most of the week. While working on the abs segment today, I got a charlie horse in my abs. It was horrible, horrible! When you get a cramp you can walk it off because most likely it's in your leg or foot. Feeling it in my upper abs was weird and ugly feeling and it hurt. I had to rub it and ended up not really able to finish the rest of the ab segment. Every crunch I did it'd tighten back up on me.

Tomorrow is weigh-in. I'm proud of myself for staying away from the scale. I truly am clueless as to what it might show. I can hope for certain numbers all I want but as I was talking with Carebear, she said it best. "I just want to see progress." and honestly, that's all I want to see too. I just want to see progress. I won't depend on the scale to make me feel all this hard work was worth it because honestly even without the scale, the hard work was worth it. It's about taking charge of my health and not just fitting into the 'perfect' size. Sure, I want to fit into that size but when it really comes down to it, I know that I'm doing all the things I need to be doing. I'm working out, I'm eating better and I'm keeping up my water intake. I've even started taking a multi-vitamin!

I'm going to workout sometime tomorrow and probably before I weigh. As much as I know that I've done a good job, psychologically I think I still want to work out before I weigh. That's how I've always done it, even the other times I tried to lose weight. I would work out and then go to Jenny Craig or Weight Watchers. I just like that 'worked out' feeling. The blood rushing through you body giving it that zing! It makes me feel thinner.

I need to go start the laundry. I swear it is a mountain but I guess the only way to move a mountain is one rock at a time. In my case, one load at a time.

Later, Cookies!