I'm one of those people

Yes, I've turned into one of those people. In my defense though, I will say it was damn cold that night, and the jacket was warm and looked damn cool on him.

You can't see it but the skull and cross bones have a Santa hat, and it says "Naughty".

Cujo (did I mention that was his name?) got fixed yesterday. He's doing fine and came through the procedure really well. They gave us some pain medication for him and let me tell you, those pills are HUGE. They have to be cut in half and I'm supposed to give him half a pill a day. A whole day! That's some strong pain medication. I wonder how well it works on humans.... just kidding!

Work has been completely hectic. I've been training at the Service Desk since Thursday. On Sunday I opened by myself. I was pretty scared to do it but as it turns out, it wasn't as hard as I thought. In fact, it's much easier to open the Service Desk than it is to close it. Yesterday, I was scheduled to close with someone there to train me on the exact closing procedures but they called in sick. Lucky me! Still though, they allowed me to close the Service Desk and I had the help of the Photo Lab person (who is also trained in Guest Service) and another co-worker so I wasn't entirely alone. I thought that it was pretty cool that they trusted me to do it though instead of putting me on a lane to cashier and letting photo lab and the other guest service person to take over. All in all, I think that I did a damn good job. There was no mess at all when I left and very few things left to do. Damn! I just remember that I didn't do the vendor pickup stuff. Grr. Oh well, I'm learning right?

Things with the Hunk still aren't so good. We're at a point where I'm sure most people who don't know what's going on, well, wouldn't know anything was going on. Our masks are really well crafted. At least I'd like to think so... we get along on the surface and even have days where it almost feels normal again. Then something will remind me and...the rage inside consumes me and I'm upset all over again. We are co-existing as room mates I guess.

I wrote an email to a friend, and although I can't disclose all of what I said, there are parts that best describes how I feel about things right now:

"I wouldn’t get out of bed if I had the choice. I hate having to go to work but it is the only income we have and I have to do it. I hate having to leave my kids with the Hunk because I can’t trust him. I’m driving to work now so that he won’t have a car but really… what does that do? .... I feel like the world’s biggest fool. I don’t even know what my husband is doing while I’m out of the house.

It’s hard being at work too. I hear my co-workers talking about their amazing husbands and I’m angry because I used to feel like I had one too. Maybe that is why this is all happening. I had such pride in the easy marriage that I had. Sure, we had problems but the Hunk was like a golden boy compared to others. He worked hard so I could stay home, he put up with my shit (which you know is no easy thing!) and he’s always been kind to me and never treated me badly. I’m just so angry and bitter that I don’t have the husband I used to have. That I don’t have the marriage I used to have and that I can’t call my husband wonderful or amazing or the world’s greatest. I know I shouldn’t feel this way but… I do.. ugh.

It’s taken me a long time to write this email because it’s been hard to admit it all to myself, just how upsetting my life has gotten. I mean, life could be worse. I know it could and I’m thankful that I have a home, and that my boys are healthy and that I have a job. That’s not really what I’m talking about but the emotional health of my family… it’s just gone. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to trust the Hunk again. I don’t know if I’ll even have a 10 year anniversary and I tear up (like now) every time I think about that. I’ve been in love with this man for more than a decade… it’s not that I can’t start over it’s that I don’t want to. I don’t think I’ll ever have enough to give someone else and I’m not sure I’ll ever have enough to give to him again.

For the first time… I can’t see the future. I don’t know if we’re going to be married next year, or the year after that. I don’t know what is going to happen tomorrow. I used to have such a clear vision of my life. It’s scary and heartbreaking. I used to wonder about the married friends we had, and when they divorced, how did they get to that point? You don’t go into marriage thinking that you will eventually get divorced. You don’t go into a marriage already hating someone enough to divorce them. You are in love and you can see yourself living and being with that person forever. So when does it happen? When do you cross that line that says, “I can’t be with you.” Or “I hate you” or “I don’t want to be married to you anymore”..? I’m in that very position right now and I still can’t tell you how it happens. I don’t know if anyone knows the answer because I don’t think anyone realizes they’ve gotten to that place until they are boom! there. You are kind of left with a “What happened?” sort of feeling.

God, my heart is so broken.

Well I didn't think I would disclose all of that, but I believe in being as truthful as I can on my journal when I decide to actually post. Alright, it's time to get ready for work. Sorry to end on such a downer!

New Face

We have a new member to our family. We rescued a 1 year old Lhasa Apso from the shelter and brought him home to be our very own. His name is Cujo, because obviously he just looks so ferocious with his teddy bear good looks.

He's housebroken (score!) and he's great with the kids. He's really, really sweet and he only barks a little bit at night when he hears the people upstairs making racket. He's not a very yappy dog at all and he's so so soft. I adore him. He's mama's boy and follows me everywhere. He loves the family but I'm his person. He even wants to lay on the bathroom floor when I shower.

Things are going... well. Yeah. I'm still working and I'm going to be training to work at the Guest Service desk and to work in the photo lab. I'm pretty excited about that. Umm, it's November so... birthday looming ahead. The big three-one. I accept cash and yarn and any knitting/crochet accessories. I've been working a little bit on my knitting. I have a blistery type of eczema on my middle finger of my right hand that makes crochet and knitting almost impossible. I try to do a little bit between the painful stages. It's made all my xmas gifts late. Speaking of knitting though, I've started on my first pattern with knitting. It's more than just knit/purl entire rows so I'm excited about being able to read a knitting pattern. Here it is:

Well, I'm exhausted. I worked 9 hours today and I'm probably going to be working a 10 hour shift tomorrow too. Talk to you gang soon, I hope!

Losing sporadic internet

I'm losing my source of sporadic internet, so I'll be even more... sporadic. You can still email me at jenndome@gmail.com or leave me comments. When I'm able to go to my MIL's house, I can log on.

On the job front, the Hunk was offered a job as a reverse logistics specialist. It's a fancy way of saying he'll be a receiver. He'll be making a dollar more than me (which btw, I got a $00.50 raise!) and if he goes in before 6 a.m. he'll be making 2 dollars more than me. He's one step under a team leader (I'm only a team member) and after 90 days he can start applying for team leader positions that pay way more. There's just one snag in the whole deal so keep your fingers crossed that the snag, well, isn't one. He desperately needs this job.

For those of you who have left me comments, I love you! Janeen, Happy early Birthday to your little bunny. Portia, did you know that the author of P.S. I Love You was 19 when she wrote it?? That just boggles the mind that she could have such insight into grief that deep. It is a tear jerker for sure! I knew she was the daughter of an Irish Prime Minister. As for Gerry's accent, I can totally believe it is exaggerated. People in the States I think expect to hear a thick accent. And for those of you whom I will be writing snail mail to, (you know who you are) bear with me.

Ok gang, I'm out of here. *hugs*

I miss my peeps

Ok so, I know it's been a while since I've updated but you know the spiel. I'm working 40 hours a week now and even have had to go home early a few days this last week because I was so over on hours that I would have gone into overtime. This is a good thing though that I'm working 40. It does, however, make me have absolutely no life outside of cashiering. I'm still reading but it is taking me SO much longer to get through as book. I'm reading the same Immortal Highlander for the last almost 2 months. I know, poor me right? No time to read, boohoo. It isn't just reading, it's crocheting and knitting too. However, even if I did have time for those, I have a very nasty case of Pompholyx (a blistery type of eczema) on my middle finger on my right hand and it has put an absolute grinding halt on any of that. I'm very upset about this because I had planned to make gifts for Christmas. I have 2 of them already in the works and they will never be finished by Christmas now. For once, I wanted to go to my SIL's on Xmas day and have gifts for everyone. I'm trying not to be bitter. Time being eaten up by working, I can deal with. It's money and we need money right now. Time taken away for this rare type of eczema (only accounts for about 5% of all eczema cases and can be brought on by stress) just isn't cool.

The Hunk has applied for a job at T@rget as well and the top guy in the store ended up interviewing him and told him he has plans or him in a better position than stocker (which he applied for). I just hope that past mistakes don't come to bite him (and us) in the ass and take away this really good opportunity. I haven't decided if I'm going to put the Wee One in daycare (it is so fucking expensive, Christ!) or if I'm going to quit working once we know that he'll be making more money than I am. I just don't know what to do. I want to be at home. I don't want to quit my job. I want to know that no matter what happens between the hunk and I, I can still provide at least something. At the same time, I don't want to be a paycheck for the daycare when I hardly get to see my kids as it is. So, to do I keep my somewhat (but not hardly enough) financial independence from the Hunk at the sacrifice of not seeing my kids or feeling that I'm raising them and being no better off financially despite two incomes? Or do I quit in order to be at home with them at the risk of losing the first thing in 9 years that has given me any sort of accomplishment that was mine and mine alone? I don't know.

On another topic, but not really… people with cell phones in the check line… Please.hang.up. I'm trying to ring up your purchases as quickly and efficiently as possible and sometimes I have to ask you questions. I was taught you don't interrupt people on the phone and I really hate when I have to do it. The customers behind you hate when you aren't paying attention and by default hate me for not making you get off your phone. I had one customer that I had to tell her total to 3 times before she said, "Oh! Ok." And then went on to apologize to the PERSON ON THE PHONE for being interrupted. As for the people who hang up as soon as it is their turn in line… I LOVE YOU.

Ok, a different topic for real this time. Many (or not any) of you know that I was the maid-of-honor in a wedding in Las Vegas at the end of last month. I was there for 3 days and got 3.5 hours of sleep (and that was all at once) while I was there. The wedding was really pretty and everything went perfect. I wish I could have had my hair and make-up done for my own wedding because it is amazing how pretty you feel. I'm throwing up some pictures, in no particular order… (and if you are reading this and there are no pictures, it is because I'm publishing my entry in MS Office and I haven't gotten to blogger yet to imbed the pics). Oh and I didn't crop any to make them perfect, but I'm sure ya'll don't care. Hee!

This is getting ready time! We were woken up at 7:00 a.m. because there were so many people to fix up before the wedding (6 of us in total) that it was rise and shine after 3.5 hours of sleep. I look pretty good!


This is the bride, Mona, helping me with my necklace. I had gotten my nails done the day before and I couldn't clasp a necklace to for anything. She was having the same problem!


Finally we're helping the bride get ready! The other girl in the picture is Mona's cousin and bridesmaid.


Here we are again helping with the bride's dress while she suspiciously looks like she's hamming it for the camera with her 'adorable bride' pose.


This picture was totally set up. She'd had her make up done already but her cousin wanted us to pose. Hehe, you can't tell but the eye liner lid is still on!


Just one of me, but that's probably pretty obvious.


Me. Again. My impression of the ghostly maid-of-honor. Nice how the flash just whitens ya up a bit. Or a lot.


All the girls dressed up and ready to go! Me, Mona and Kristen.


Full shot of us. Her dress was just too pretty for words and the pictures don't do it any justice at all. We were also very impressed that all three of us live in 3 different states and only through description did we try to match up the bridesmaid and my dress. No one had seen the other's dress! I think we did a pretty good job , don't you?


Just me and the bride. We've come a long way Whispers!


We're on our way to the wedding chapel and had to walk through the casino/lobby of the hotel (The Stratosphere) that we were staying at. I have to admit, I'm liking my cleavage in this pic.


We got to take a limo to the chapel. It was off the strip but very, very pretty. I forget what it was called now though.

Finally we made it down the aisle! The ceremony was broadcast on the internet but I never did find out the url in time to post it for ya'll.


The bridal party. I can' t remember everyone's name but the best man, who I met only 10 seconds (no I'm not exaggerating) before the ceremony was the groom's uncle. I think his usher was a family friend.

The bride and her girls.

I just love this picture of Mona. For those of you who don't know (all of you but Mona) she is only 4'10 (and a half, she adds). She looked like a little bride doll. :)

This was at the reception. It was an Italian restaurant called Sergio's. It didn't look like anything from the outside but inside it was beautiful and o.m.g. the food was absolutely scrumptious. I really, reaaaaaly enjoyed the reception. Hehe!

Brian, Mona, and myself posing for a picture (and waiting for food!)

I look very attentive to the conversation don't I?


I'm definitely not as bored as I look. This little ol' lady was the Bride's honorary Grandma. She was such a riot. She'd talk your ear off but she had very entertaining stories.


I don't think there was any danger of the groom planting a kiss on me so I don't know why I was leaning so far back....


It's inevitable. If you are eating and there is a camera within 50 yards, you're going to get a picture of me with my mouth full.


Brian and Ramona Jensen
August 26, 2007

Hello my lovelies…

Do you know what my favorite part of my days off are? No, it's not that actual day off, although nice… it's the night before my day off. When I get home from working 8 hours knowing that my entire day is behind me, that I got paid for it, that I made it through and that I don't have to go back to work the next day. The night before a day off is when I can really relax and not think about work looming in the not-so-distant- future. I can stay up late if I want to… it is filled with endless possibilities. Well, providing I get home at a decent hour and I'm not working a closing shift the night before my day off.

Speaking of days off, it sucks to have a cold and feel like crap when 2 days in a row roll around. I guess though, in the long run, I'm glad that if I'm going to be sick, I'd rather do it on my days off than to work when I feel crappy or even worse, to call in.

Nothing much has been going on here other than I'm working about 40 hours a week, which is good because we SO need the money. The Hunk has applied at my work as well and they might hire him on as seasonal help but it's still a good way to get his foot in the door, you know? We'll see how it goes. There are circumstances that could jeopardize his chances so… we'll see. If he could get hired on as overnight help though, it'd be perfect that our hours would work out so that we wouldn't need daycare (which we can't afford) because one of us would always be home.

In other news, I've finished the Outlander series (the books that are currently out) and I must say that this series…. God. I don't know. It might surpass A Song Of Ice And Fire as my favorite book series. They are both written so differently though that I really can't say, all I know is that I have never mourned finishing a series as much as I'm mourning this one. Normally, when I read a series of books and I come to the end of the latest release, I'm of course eager to read the next and sad that the storyline, at least for a time is suspended. I have SO many other books and series to start reading though, that it's never really been an issue beyond that. I've always been eager to start reading new books, having them already outlined of what I'd start next even before I finished the last book of the current series I'm reading. This book series though… I couldn't bring myself to start reading for a few days. Seriously unlike me! The characters feel like very close friends, family even, and the beauty (and sometimes aggravating) style that Gabaldon writes in, you really DO feel that you've traveled a million miles and many years with these people. After each book, I'd always have to take a little break just because I felt so weary and aged by the time I got finished. It was great!

To say that this series is a time travel genre book is just too simple. It's everything. There has been no greater hero written, in my opinion, than Jamie Fraser. He's every woman's dream in a very, very real sort of way. I love that he's sensitive, strong, and honorable and undoubtedly flawed (much having to do with said honor). I don't think that there's any other book character that I love so much as to even excuse the fact that he gave his wife a good 'thrashing' with a belt and I still forgave him. Diana Gabaldon has written not only a romance novel but she's re-written the whole concept of book romance in my opinion. She's taken the formulaic way of "boy meets girl, girl hates boy, boy and girl give into lust, boy and girl live happily ever after" and has actually written a story about the marriage. About how two people can meet and be thrown together, fall in love and overcome tremendous obstacles while actually growing, and moving beyond the 'infatuation' of each other into a deep and comforting love that still sizzles.

I'm sure that the experience of her own successful marriage gives truth and some commonality to Claire and Jamie's marriage that we all share. I remember reading a part where Claire, for whatever reason, was awake at night while Jamie was sleeping soundly. She knew the distinct way he breathed when sleeping and laid there listening until he rolled over and farted in his sleep. Real romantic huh? Hehe, no but it is very true for anyone who's slept next to a man long enough.

For the most part, once I read a book, I don't find as much enjoyment in re-reading it. In fact, I don't think I've ever been able to read a book all the way through twice. When I know what happens, I know what happens. Outlander though seriously has me wanting to read it again. I miss the characters. I think about them a lot. I hear their voices going on in my head (no, not in the crazy way… I don't think…) and I just plain miss them. I miss the way that Jamie shows his love to Claire, his words, his actions. I miss Roger and his struggles to feel adequate as a man, husband and father. I miss Brianna and her growth as a woman and feeling a bond with her through motherhood and all the emotions and feelings it brings with it. I miss the humor, like when Claire tried to explain 'sperm' to Jamie and showed him what they looked like in the microscope (to this he clutched his crotch protectively) and all the underlying story plots that are still going on.

I know there are some people who have stopped reading the series because they grow tired of Claire and Jamie never getting that 'happily ever after'. I don't see it that way. They had to overcome 2 centuries worth of being apart and I think that no matter what comes their way, they are together. They are living the Happily Ever After, it's just not all roses. I personally like seeing them overcome their trials because Gabaldon has a way of writing that doesn't make you feel like, *groan* "How much more can these people take? This is depressing." Well maybe it was depressing at times but that only made the sweet times all the sweeter.

Anyway, for those of you who like really in depth books about more than just 'time travel' (which honestly is a secondary plot device, secondary to the characters) and more than just a 'romance' novel, but like characters that you laugh and cry with, mystery, murder, war, family, and people that you fall in love with, I highly suggest this series. Highly. It's just that good.

Book 7 is in the works, but it takes her 3+ years to write a book between research, writing, and the travel that her publishers put her through. So far, she's got the first line so… it looks like I might be waiting a while to find out what Claire and Jamie are up to next. Trust me, I simply can't wait.

To bide my time though, I've picked up The Pride of Lions by Marsha Canham. It's a historical romance set in Jacobite Scotland during the Rising. This is also a time period that the first Outlander book took place so it's kind of cool to see another writers take on it. I'm also finishing the Highlander series by Karen Marie Moning. They are excellent romance books for those looking for light, romantic with some sizzle. I won't go as far as to say they are 'fluff', but after reading Diana Gabaldon… they kinda are, but still very, very good. I still have the "Dark" series (Carpathian Vampires) by Christine Feehan to start and also another vampire series called The Black Dagger Brotherhood by J. R. Ward. Ever since starting Sherrilyn Kenyon books, I have a new thing for vampires. As long as they are well written and not 'cookie cutter' vamps, I'm happy. I also have the Merry Gentry series by Laurell K. Hamilton to start on but I don't have all the books in the series yet, and I hate, hate starting a series that I can't read through. It isn't vampires but a story of a Fairy princess who's a private investigator. Yeah… I'm not too sure about this series either, but I hear it is good and I love/hate the Anita Blake series by the same author, so we'll see. I have about 60 other books to read too so I'm sure that I won't be at a loss for anything to read before the next Outlander book. Still though, I know that when it comes out, I'm going to drop whatever I'm reading for that one. J

Ok, I'm hungry so heading out. Later taters!

Because I adore this man...

... and I can't flippin' wait until this movie comes out:




Read the book. It's amazing. Word of advice if you do, keep the tissues close and well stocked.

A breather

Well people, I have internet, intermittently. I thought I'd take advantage of the fact that I have it this moment and say a big THANK YOU for all of you who have left me messages though this hard time. You just have NO clue how much it meant to me to see that. Especially you lurkers! Hi!

Without going into too much detail, the issues I'm dealing with right now are the Hunk now has legal issues and our financial situation is just...well I can't really say financial because wouldn't that sort of mean you had finances?

Target is being good to me. I have to say that. Real good. Maybe not huge money but I'm definitely getting pretty good hours in the average of 'Full-time'. I believe I have to be there 6 months to qualify for full time status to receive benefits, but even still, if I'm not full time by then (hopefully the Hunk will have worked his issues out and be working), I'll still qualify for part-time benefits. I'm not sure how good they are but anything is better than nothing.

I've just had 2 days in a row off (again, Target is so good to me!) and I spent almost every minute of it at social services. We applied for whatever benefits we might qualify for. No shame in asking for help right? Well, I did feel shame. Not in the asking but in the needing. Sitting there I just felt like I was betrayed and robbed of the life I had thought I was building, thought I was living, all over again. We qualified for food stamps and the boys qualified for medical but because I have a job I didn't qualify for cash assistance to help make ends meet. I was told it was for people that have no income. Same with medical coverage. So basically because I do have a job and I am trying to make ends meet, I don't get the last bit of added help. Isn't that sending me the message that I'd be better to just quit? Then I can get money AND medical? Ugh. I know there are people that try and abuse the system. I also know that there are people that absolutely have no job and are in super need of the help. I just hated feeling like I was being punished for at least trying to provide for my family. Blah, I don't want to think about it because in some aspects I feel like I'm a snob, and in others... I really hated being there with some of the stereotypes that fit the 'welfare' bill that I saw. I don't know. Anyway...

Speaking of work, it's going well. I don't like the going to work. It's hard to get up and go, knowing you have a full day ahead of you. That you aren't going to be able to come home for another 7-8 hours or more if you're on a closing shift. Once I'm there though, about the time I get my lunch, I'm glad I came. I feel like I can count that day productive, and know that I'm going to get paid for that day. Pay is good. For the most part the customers are nice. Not everyone I get through my lane take forever. I actually have conversations with some, of kids, school, stuff from the past ect.

This week I even prevented the store from loosing $508 (and change) in merchandise. The customer was trying to pawn off a fake check. Ha! Not in my lane bitch. I'm on to you. When your check has perforations on all four sides, as if it was ripped out of a sheet of cheeks... you so are caught. When your check number in the right hand corner is in a big font that matches none of the other fonts/sizes on the check... that's a clue. When you have just 1 check and do not rip it out of a check book, you look suspicious (even though some men, especially older gentleman usually just have a folded check their wives give them).

When you are trying to buy 2 cell phones that use pre-paid minutes, and 2 phone cards with HUGE amounts of minutes on them, and a ton of baby clothes, clothes, and 5 pairs of shoes, not to mention that you grabbed a pair of pants that say "skinny" and you so aren't (even though she decided to put those back before I was done ringing her up), you look really suspicous.

Needless to say, I called my supervisor over for "authorization due to such a high amount" and told him of my suspicions (quietly with my back turned, cause... I'm intimidated by 2 black women and a black man trying to use fake checks, no offense law abiding black people... but angry black women scare me..)

Anyway, my supervisor, who shall be called "ACS" (awesome, cool supervisor who I like to work with) told her that he'd need further identification and authorization and called "Chuck Logan" (our super sneaky way of calling security). She just got angry, told us to put the money back on her account and she'd pay with a credit card. We fixed the transaction and then she stalked off saying she didn't want the merchandise anymore. Uh huh. Yeah. She didn't have the money and she knew it. Security nabbed her picture from the security video and sent it out to all the Targets. :)

Either way, I got a card up on the Team member recognition board! Wee for me! That's the second fake check I've caught. The first was for 40 dollars on my second day and I just didn't trust myself enough and that woman left with the merchandise. Grr. I know better now though.

I even got to use a walky-talky today. Score! Oh, and I was covering one last break before I left today, and I had some old fart who was tweaking out of his mind (he could not stay still at all..) try to quick change scam me. I was on to him too. He got mad and stormed off after telling me I didn't know how to do my job. Heh. Yessss I dooo!

Wow, work sounds so much more interesting than what it really is.

We have some high school students working for us, and it's weird because they (the 2 I talk to) are pretty and popular (one is on Drill Team) and they so would not have given me a first look in HS, let alone a second and now they are all like happy to see me and they come and talk to me on my lane before/after their shift and call me sweetie and stuff and say how awesome I am. Weird. It only took, what 12... 13 years to become cool? Heh. Better late than never.

Ok, I'm heading off because my feet are tired. No, I don't type with my feet... I know there's no connection but it's the sad truth. My toes are begging for a lotion massage. Who am I to argue?