Beautiful Life

Sometimes it takes reading an entry that someone writes to show you something in your own life. I really do have a beautiful life. I think I forget that so often in the anxiety of bills and finances, in the worries of children and with the struggles to make a marriage work when it was put on such rocky ground.

My husband is amazing. I love this man, completely and utterly and I get choked up even just saying that because there was a time when I didn’t know if I would ever be able to say that again. I was so angry for the pain that he caused our family, not only in the present but everything that I thought would be my future. I felt robbed. Robbed of the love I had for a man who I thought he was but really didn’t exist anymore and robbed of the ideal image I had of my marriage and future.

Well he’s worked so hard to become more than his mistake. He is more than that mistake. Are things perfect? No but they weren’t ever intended to be perfect because we are both human and we’re flawed. But it’s good. It’s really, really good. I feel so proud of my marriage because I have fought damn near tooth and nail for it. It means so much more knowing that we hung in there together even when ‘together’ was so painful and bitter. It wasn’t just all his mistake either. I know I played my own part, not necessarily in his addiction but in letting myself get so dependant on another human being for everything. Mentally, emotionally, physically… he was my entire universe and I could not function without him. I’m not in that place anymore. I can drive anywhere I need to, I can get a job, I can take care of my kids if I had to. I’ve worked very hard to make sure that I’m not as dependant on him and only with him because there are no other options. I’m with him because I want to be with him. We’ve both done a great amount of growing in the last year and a half.

My boys. I really can’t say enough about them. They drive me so nuts and I never ever thought that I could get so angry at people so small, but I love them. The thought that anything could happen to them, that they could be taken from me… it gives me anxiety thinking about it. I see their personalities and how they have grown and the funny things they do and say and I can’t even imagine my life without them. For the longest time through my teens and into my early 20’s I didn’t want children. I didn’t want the responsibility, I didn’t want the pain of labor, and I didn’t want to be tied down. I just wanted to have a life of my own and not be responsible for anyone else. Sometimes I do daydream about what it would be like to have that kind of life but I know that I would not be fullfilled. I know that I was ment to be their Mom. I don’t always feel like a good Mom but somehow they were ment for me.

I have wonderful friends, in the physical and on the internet who support me and love me. Carebear and I worked out today to a ‘boot camp’ style exercise and it was so hard! We were huffing and puffing and I let out a few curse words a time or two and I normally don’t swear, especially in front of my kids and there I was. We kept egging each other on to keep going even when I think we were near dying and falling flat on our faces. It felt amazing to have accomplished it though. Afterward we did a 30 minute stretch tape and couldn’t stop laughing at our own inflexibility and how easy the instructor made it look. I was really proud of the both of us for doing it. More proud of Carebear because she was so tired and just wanted to go home and relax but she pushed herself to do what was best for her body and I think she was really proud that she did as well.

So I was looking through my Weight Watchers organizer and I found some old pictures of me. Some are when JT was about a year old and I was at one of my highest non-pregnancy weights. A few others were from my bridal shower which didn’t have me at an all time high weight but bigger than what I am now. I showed them to Carebear and she said she really saw a difference. I also looked at my weight tracker from January when I thought I was going to be joining again and realized that I’ve lost 18 lbs. since then. I’m so stoked! As a congrats on my near first 20 lbs. Carebear bought me a dress I was drooling over in Walmart.

You’re going to just have to forgive the hair. It’s bloody hot and equally humid. Never a good combination for fabulous hair. I do look rather fabulous in my new dress though.





It makes me look like I actually have boobs! It’s made from a very stretchy soft fabric and I love it. Thank you Carebear!

I have more to talk about involving the kids, particularly Hunter and the woes that I’m facing with his picky eating but I’m dead tired. I’m already sore and that usually isn’t supposed to settle in until the day after working out, or more in my case the second day!

Pretty Good Day

Today has been a pretty good day. I didn't do much of anything but the important thing is that I did work out. I could have easily skipped it, telling myself I did work out after midnight last night so "technically" I had worked out already today. I also could have used the excuse that I was stiff. I wasn't sore mind you, but I was pretty stiff. However I didn't let that get me too down and I decided to just walk an in-home mile followed by a 30 minute stretch with Denise Austin.

Himself hooked up the VCR last night so this 30 minute stretch video is on the agenda again. it's not exercise at all, but it just feels so good to stretch myself from head to toe. Carebear also did her workout even though she got up at the ass-crack of dawn and worked, and ran errands and had to go pick up her husband in addition she also had to do a follow-up orientation of sorts for a job she applied for. She won't know if she has it until Monday or Tuesday. I'm so proud of her! If anyone had an excuse to not work out due to being exhausted, it was her and yet she didn't use it. Her hubby even worked out with her too. Lucky wench.

So I'd say we're off to a good start so far. I'm just... finally so excited thinking about weight loss again. I know it has to do with the number on the scale. Weird, right? Usually the number on the scale depresses me so much and although it has in the past lead to motivation, it was never pretty to see. This time though, the number was so much lower than I expected it to be compared to the last time I weighed and not only that, it's the lowest I've been since 2005. When the Wii Fit said I weighed this much I just couldn't accept it. I knew that the Wii wasn't as accurate because it was on the carpet. Anytime you put a scale on the carpet it is going to make you weigh less. Then I decided to buy a scale and it too said the same number. I am finally going to have to accept that it's real and that magic won't take it away and make me fat again. I just have to really focus on my health and make sure that I don't start an upward trend with this umpteenth chance I've been given.

In other news, I have so much cleaning to do in my house before my sister gets here for my trip to New Mexico. I might as well just make a schedule and decide what I'll clean on each day. They are going to be spending the night so everything needs to be really, really clean and washed. I'm not sure I have pillows for them. They might have to bring their own. How sad is that to ask them to bring their own pillows? But geeze, they can be expensive if you don't want picky feathers poking you or if you don't want a pancake in about 8 weeks.

I painted my fingernails a really pretty reddish-pink. I haven't painted my nails in some time but I found these tiny nail polishes at Walmart for .98 and so I got a pearly white, a pearly soft pink and then a darker pinkish-red. Or reddish-pink. Whichever you prefer, it looks equally great. I've been trying to grow my nails out and it was working but my nails tend to flake and I just can't leave them alone. I have to split the flakes off which of course weakens them or makes more of a chunk of nail I have to tear off. I finally cut all my nails short so they'd be the same length and I put the polish on them so hopefully I will not mess with them. Well, that is, until I start scratching the nail polish off...

Time to go make the kids something to eat. I swear, with JT being out of school and them being allowed to stay up until 10 p.m. at night, they are always hungry for snacks between 9 and 10. They are going to eat me out of house and home pretty soon!

Later, cookies.

Unexpected Awesomeness

So I had some unexpected awesomeness tonight. My friend Carebear and I had made plans to go out to dinner tonight. We haven’t been out in a long time and life just keeps getting in the way so I finally was able to meet up with her and we went to IHOP then headed to walmart where we looked at near everything but baby stuff, food and electronics. It was hillarious because we went to the sporting goods section where all the exercise equipment was and she starts getting on the recumbant bikes and then I get on the eliptical and we’re giggling as we’re trying to use the displays. I told her they were going to kick us out, “Fat people on exercise equipment, Fat people on exercise equipment.” going over the PA as the security guards come for us.

From there, she asked an employee if he knew where the scales were because that was my original purpose for going in the store. He didn’t know and went over to ask a good looking electronic’s employee and I embarassedly turned to her and said, “Oh man, two fat chicks asking where the scales are.” Again, laughter ensued. So we found the scales and they had a few ‘working’ ones and so we weighed ourselves, naturally after we ate a big dinner and we were like trying to subtract a few pounds for that, and we had to pee so another half pound for that, and shoes so 2 more pounds for that. So we pretty much were 10 lbs. lighter than what the scales said. Rock!

We went to the jewelry counter where her Mom works and we tried on some rings. I found this beautiful ring in sterling silver that looks similar to my wedding bands. Himself and I picked out our wedding bands when we got married but they didn’t have much of a selection in the silver or white gold that they had and I was just so happy he wanted to even buy me a ring I wasn’t going to complain when he picked out a yellow gold bridal set! I just prefer silver. I even told him on that day that for our 10 year anniversary he could buy me a silver anniversary ring. Hehe. I kept telling him that through the years but when the time came for our 10 year anniversary we just didn’t have the money. They have a layaway plan but it would cost about 10 dollars a week for six months and we just really can’t spare the extra right now. I’m hoping that we’ll be able to eventually when we renew our vows. I’m not sure when that will be but Carebear is conspiring to get Himself in on the planning, and help him put it together. Even though technically we’re putting it together. :)

We’d decided after weighing ourselves that we need to really get serious about our health and fitness and started making grand plans. She asked to borrow an exercise DVD because it’s just too hard to get over to each other’s house to exercise 4 times a week, and not to mention it’s bloody hot outside. Neither one of us wants to suffer heatstroke at 8 a.m. when the temperate is up to 98 already. When it starts cooling off we’ll take off to walk in the park as man times a week as we can but at least one time a week. I’m still hoping we can work out at either house once a week until then. We’ll see how it goes. Between family schedules and work schedules it might be hit and miss for a while but it’s ok as long as we are working out at home, even if it is separately.

I’m pretty excited. I want this to work. I want to shed some pounds and get back to a weight that I felt, at one time, comfortable in. I think we have set ourselves for some very realistic goals. I know that I worked out for a week and a half about 2 or so weeks ago but I haven’t since then and this was just the kick in the pants that I needed to get started again. I’m not expecting to be a size 8, and I’m not even expecting to look much different before the end of summer when I want to renew my vows, but I know that I’m going to feel better in my own skin and in feeling better, your entire attitude towards yourself changes and I can’t wait to just feel good in my own skin.

Oh did I mention that while Carebear was here she told me she’d never seen Richard Simmon’s Sweatin’ To The Oldies? I put it on for her and she said, “Ok girl, here we go.” and she totally wanted us to work out to Richard! I haven’t watched that tape in years. LOL Well obviously I wasn’t going to let her workout alone and not after we had talked about all these grand plans we had so I worked out with her and we definitely sweated to the oldies! It went by pretty fast, as stuff like that does when you have someone to do it with. So I was glad and proud that she made us do it, even though it was like 11 p.m. at night. Afterward I took her home and we talked a bit more about our plans and our children and how important this is for them too. All in all, it was a pretty great night.

Speaking of nights, I must, must go to bed. I’m so tired and I’ll probably be sore tomorrow too!

Night, cookies.

Woo Blogger!

So I'm still trying to get used to things over here at Chez Blogspot. I've introduced my friend Carebear to the online journal community and she has set up her own blogspot website as well! You should have seen us trying to get this account set up. It was hilarious!

She hadn’t been familiar with the online journaling community and when she found out I had one she checked it out and decided she wanted to create one for herself. I pointed her in the right direction of Blogger, which in my opinion is the best free journaling service. There may be new ones out there that are better but I’m partial to Blogger after having come from Diaryland (blasphemy!) She got her website set up then the shenanigans ensued. She couldn’t remember what her actual website address was, and then when we figured it out, it was so long that I had a hard time remembering what it was and it took me about 5 tries of her nearly spelling it out for me to actually get it in my address bar. Then we found her a pretty sunset layout and all the controls were different so I wasn’t sure how to upload the new .xml files that can change the appearance of websites. Finally I found it, she filled out her profile and then I couldn’t get to it because there was no link on her website! So after becoming a ‘team member’ on her site I finally managed to get my hands on the code and put a link in.

Needless to say this is new to her but she is excited about being able to journal online and have people come over to her site. You can go visit Carebear here.

Helping Carebear out with her journal reminded me a lot of when I first started journaling 7 years ago almost to the day (June 28th) on Diaryland. I’ve been through several entries over there, 97% of them being weight loss related, and it’s so interesting the things I thought back then. I was a lot more positive about being successful at weight loss. Sometimes I think though that most of my entries were honestly trying to convince myself that I could do it. I miss those days though of seeing myself meet small goals. I struggled a lot I’ve noticed and I kinda forgot that I did. All I remember is a 60 lb. weight loss and the clothes I could fit into and the thinner way I looked. Re-reading those entries I saw that I was far from perfect which does give me some consolation for the present. I did manage to meet more goals back then in terms of exercise and I want to get back to that.

I got into a big slump after I gained about 3 pounds after I started working out and I’ve just totally given up on exercise and eating and basically the entire idea of ever losing weight permanently. I know that I can’t think that way because I will just make what I fear come true. I’ll never get this weight off. I haven’t worked out in a week but I’m going to start back up again and I’m going to do those old tapes that I did before because I know they made a difference. It is going to be really hard but if I did it at almost 300 lbs then, I can surely do it now.

In other news, I’m going to New Mexico in three weeks!! My sister and her husband are driving all the way out here to get me and the wee people. I’m going to stay for two weeks and then they are going to be bringing us back home. I’m going to be staying with my older sister but my mom and and dad don’t live too far away that I’ll be able to see them all the time. Hunter has never been to New Mexico and I can’t wait to see his reaction of actual mountains and forests. Not to mention just wide open spaces to run around in. He doesn’t have that here. They both have a cousin their own age, although Hunter’s cousin is a girl so he might not be as pleased to want to play with her as he would a boy but kids have the gifted ability of being able to make friends anywhere and who knows, he might even enjoy tea parties. I’m not leaving for another three weeks but I am taking the camcorder, the digital camera and yes, I am actually taking my computer with me too! My Mom’s computer has a lot of things wrong with it and I’m not sure about my sister’s computer but I think it isn’t in stellar working order either and I just can’t handle New Mexico with crappy computers! Not to mention I have so many pictures I want to show my family that are all on the computer. I shouldn’t be too much extra room taken up by computer and monitor. They keyboard I’m using is slim like a laptop keyboard and I can fit that and my mouse into my suitcase. I’m only going to have one large suitcase because I think I can get all the clothes for me and the boys in one big suitcase. It’s just 2 weeks and they do have washer and dryers.

Mmm, Himself just cooked me lunch! Starrrving!

Later cookies!

Here Again

I don't know how many of you are going to be coming over from MizJennah.com but just thought I'd put up a post to let you know I am online. I am hoping to get my website back tomorrow or the next day. Hopefully I won't have to continue to blog here. I miss WordPress!! I miss my own domain!

I am thankful to have at least *something* though.

*hugs*

I'm one of those people

Yes, I've turned into one of those people. In my defense though, I will say it was damn cold that night, and the jacket was warm and looked damn cool on him.

You can't see it but the skull and cross bones have a Santa hat, and it says "Naughty".

Cujo (did I mention that was his name?) got fixed yesterday. He's doing fine and came through the procedure really well. They gave us some pain medication for him and let me tell you, those pills are HUGE. They have to be cut in half and I'm supposed to give him half a pill a day. A whole day! That's some strong pain medication. I wonder how well it works on humans.... just kidding!

Work has been completely hectic. I've been training at the Service Desk since Thursday. On Sunday I opened by myself. I was pretty scared to do it but as it turns out, it wasn't as hard as I thought. In fact, it's much easier to open the Service Desk than it is to close it. Yesterday, I was scheduled to close with someone there to train me on the exact closing procedures but they called in sick. Lucky me! Still though, they allowed me to close the Service Desk and I had the help of the Photo Lab person (who is also trained in Guest Service) and another co-worker so I wasn't entirely alone. I thought that it was pretty cool that they trusted me to do it though instead of putting me on a lane to cashier and letting photo lab and the other guest service person to take over. All in all, I think that I did a damn good job. There was no mess at all when I left and very few things left to do. Damn! I just remember that I didn't do the vendor pickup stuff. Grr. Oh well, I'm learning right?

Things with the Hunk still aren't so good. We're at a point where I'm sure most people who don't know what's going on, well, wouldn't know anything was going on. Our masks are really well crafted. At least I'd like to think so... we get along on the surface and even have days where it almost feels normal again. Then something will remind me and...the rage inside consumes me and I'm upset all over again. We are co-existing as room mates I guess.

I wrote an email to a friend, and although I can't disclose all of what I said, there are parts that best describes how I feel about things right now:

"I wouldn’t get out of bed if I had the choice. I hate having to go to work but it is the only income we have and I have to do it. I hate having to leave my kids with the Hunk because I can’t trust him. I’m driving to work now so that he won’t have a car but really… what does that do? .... I feel like the world’s biggest fool. I don’t even know what my husband is doing while I’m out of the house.

It’s hard being at work too. I hear my co-workers talking about their amazing husbands and I’m angry because I used to feel like I had one too. Maybe that is why this is all happening. I had such pride in the easy marriage that I had. Sure, we had problems but the Hunk was like a golden boy compared to others. He worked hard so I could stay home, he put up with my shit (which you know is no easy thing!) and he’s always been kind to me and never treated me badly. I’m just so angry and bitter that I don’t have the husband I used to have. That I don’t have the marriage I used to have and that I can’t call my husband wonderful or amazing or the world’s greatest. I know I shouldn’t feel this way but… I do.. ugh.

It’s taken me a long time to write this email because it’s been hard to admit it all to myself, just how upsetting my life has gotten. I mean, life could be worse. I know it could and I’m thankful that I have a home, and that my boys are healthy and that I have a job. That’s not really what I’m talking about but the emotional health of my family… it’s just gone. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to trust the Hunk again. I don’t know if I’ll even have a 10 year anniversary and I tear up (like now) every time I think about that. I’ve been in love with this man for more than a decade… it’s not that I can’t start over it’s that I don’t want to. I don’t think I’ll ever have enough to give someone else and I’m not sure I’ll ever have enough to give to him again.

For the first time… I can’t see the future. I don’t know if we’re going to be married next year, or the year after that. I don’t know what is going to happen tomorrow. I used to have such a clear vision of my life. It’s scary and heartbreaking. I used to wonder about the married friends we had, and when they divorced, how did they get to that point? You don’t go into marriage thinking that you will eventually get divorced. You don’t go into a marriage already hating someone enough to divorce them. You are in love and you can see yourself living and being with that person forever. So when does it happen? When do you cross that line that says, “I can’t be with you.” Or “I hate you” or “I don’t want to be married to you anymore”..? I’m in that very position right now and I still can’t tell you how it happens. I don’t know if anyone knows the answer because I don’t think anyone realizes they’ve gotten to that place until they are boom! there. You are kind of left with a “What happened?” sort of feeling.

God, my heart is so broken.

Well I didn't think I would disclose all of that, but I believe in being as truthful as I can on my journal when I decide to actually post. Alright, it's time to get ready for work. Sorry to end on such a downer!

New Face

We have a new member to our family. We rescued a 1 year old Lhasa Apso from the shelter and brought him home to be our very own. His name is Cujo, because obviously he just looks so ferocious with his teddy bear good looks.

He's housebroken (score!) and he's great with the kids. He's really, really sweet and he only barks a little bit at night when he hears the people upstairs making racket. He's not a very yappy dog at all and he's so so soft. I adore him. He's mama's boy and follows me everywhere. He loves the family but I'm his person. He even wants to lay on the bathroom floor when I shower.

Things are going... well. Yeah. I'm still working and I'm going to be training to work at the Guest Service desk and to work in the photo lab. I'm pretty excited about that. Umm, it's November so... birthday looming ahead. The big three-one. I accept cash and yarn and any knitting/crochet accessories. I've been working a little bit on my knitting. I have a blistery type of eczema on my middle finger of my right hand that makes crochet and knitting almost impossible. I try to do a little bit between the painful stages. It's made all my xmas gifts late. Speaking of knitting though, I've started on my first pattern with knitting. It's more than just knit/purl entire rows so I'm excited about being able to read a knitting pattern. Here it is:

Well, I'm exhausted. I worked 9 hours today and I'm probably going to be working a 10 hour shift tomorrow too. Talk to you gang soon, I hope!